Secret Garden Party a Secret:

Many ticket holders had returned to the site of last years event only to find empty fields and a solitary sing post reading Guess again, wankers! Police were called to Kings Cross to divert hoards of confused revellers en route to Cambridge. Party-goers were stripped searched and shepherded back onto the tube as officers informed them: The festival you are looking for is not where you think it is

Speaking to Fest-i on Monday morning, organisers declared the event an unparalleled success:

Fucking no one got it! a spokesperson said. Not one

When asked if the event had in fact gone ahead at all, organisers claimed the party had indeed gone ahead as planned but on a brand new site on a remote islet in Orkney.

Over the years, Secret Garden Party has become less and less of a secret and this year we just wanted to get back to our roots, back to doing what we do best, basically putting on a Garden Party thats actually a Secret. People can complain all they like but I dont think we misled anyone. It says Secret on the ticket, its called Secret Garden Party, you get exactly what you pay for! Its more like weve been misleading people for years up to this event, by calling it a Secret Garden Party when its not actually been a Secret. I mean thats way more snide than giving people what youve promised them

Fest-i spoke to an Orkney based puffin who confirmed that the event had indeed gone ahead; marquees, stages bars and toilets had all been erected but that none of the acts booked to play had turned up. Fest-i challenged organisers; surely all part of an elobrate scam? Apparently not:

Nah, we didnt tell the acts where it was either. How many times? Its a SECRET GARDEN PARTY for fucks sake! Nobody can know! Its worked really well for us, well definitely be doing it again next year.

by Jack The Pen