Glastonbury News Round Up

Eavis in 2011 Not As Good as Last Year shocker:

Micheal Eavis stunned reporters at the festivals annual Sunday afternoon press conference by conceding for the first time ever that this years festival did not match up to the previous years.

Every year the PRs tell me to say 2000 and whatever has been the best one yet. But fuck it. This year, Im not gonna play ball. We definitely got a few things wrong he mused.

I mean, What is it with these all these secret sets? Im sick of them so God knows how the punters feel. Two massive bands like Pulp and Radiohead? Put them on the flamin main stage where everyone who wants to see them can see them! I said. But nobody listens to Beardy anymore. We had Queen featuring a resurrected Freddie Mercury playing in a portaloo in Shangri-La at 5am on Sunday morning. A greatest hits set with Freddie cloned and genetically re-engineered from a bit of dried spunk we found caught in a fake beard in some dive bar in Munich. Cost us a fortune. More than Beyonce did. But there was fucking nobody there to see it! I mean, whats the point in that? Its gone too far. Theyre trying to make next year 100% secret sets. Theyre telling the public its not happening at all, that the Olympics are on and the land needs to recover and all that crap when really its going ahead as normal. I mean, thats taking it too far surely?

Elsewhere punters complained that the line-ups were becoming too predictable as Fatboy Slim headlined the Dance Tent on Friday night for the 71st consecutive year. Norman Cook, (108, real name Fatboy Slim) first DJed in 1842when Glastonbury was called the Pilton Pisstake and the price of a ticket was a pubic louse and included a free sack of goat dung on entry.

Of course we tried to shake things up a bit this year Eavis admitted, and it was actually Normans idea to go back to back with one of The Wombles for the last hour. But Uncle Bulgaria plays a lot deeper and trackier than Norman and their styles just didnt mesh like everyone had hoped. Still theres always next year, or the year after that, or the year after that. Hell be back, Were all sure of that.

Over nine billion revellers braved rain, mud, blizzards, two hurricanes, sheet lightning, an anthrax attack and sub Saharan temperatures to last out the festival which now runs for over a fortnight and spans all of Somerset and neighbouring counties Devon and Dorset. Despite the volume of people on site the event was relatively crime free with police reporting only five arrests. One for affray, one for smuggling ketamine via a British Fresian cow and three for what police officers described as Inappropriate headwear. A spokesperson for Somerset police said:

Its not 1994 anymore. People should know that so-called Reni hats are no longer acceptable. Not at Glastonbury. In fact, not at any UK festival.

Jack Le Pen
More scurrilous rumours and abject lies to come from Jack Le Pen over the balmy festival season.