It’s December again, and the world is just as fucked as ever. Possibly slightly more, possibly slightly less. I guess it’s easy to lose track of these things without an ordered list to tell you what to think. Having been precariously perched on the 2015 bar stool for quite some time now, we’ll soon be staring down the menacing barrel of 2016. So how best to celebrate yet another successful orbit around the Sun?
We thought about publishing an objectively correct ranking of the year’s best records. But sadly we couldn’t get hold of any doof doof scientists to determine what the metrics should be. Instead, we’ve fallen back on our Top 8 Whatevers. You know the score – our trusted team of R$N scribes pitch in with lists of music they’ve enjoyed, petty grievances they want to air, obscure interests they want to highlight. Basically whatever's on their mind. Let’s do this. Here's Wasteman with his Top 8:
I'm that guy selling you pingers at your Christmas party and I write for R$N because they are the only people who publish my inane ramblings.
EVERYONE REALISING RITA ORA WAS A FUCKING FRAUD AND GENERALLY BAD
I'm not going to go over all the reasons why Rita Ora is bad - you can find them all here. But rest assured she fucking IS. Except that she also did this FUCKING BANGER with Craig David in 2010 so now WHO THE FUCK knows what to believe?
BEING A BELIEBER
And, carrying on from the previous point, fucking Justin Bieber, he's fucking on it as well isn't he? I mean, fuck. I had mates who liked him before and was always slightly suspicious of them like maybe they secretly also believed Jimmy Saville was innocent all along or that they still had a chance with Barbara Windsor even though she's bloody 78 NOW FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE? Anyway, back to Biebs, this year was the year it was OK to be a Belieber. And LOL @ me for saying this on an Acid House website.
COMEBACK KING CRAIG DAVID
SPEAKING of Craig David. He's making a comeback isn't he? Yeah, he fucking is, where the fuck have you been, under a rock? Because if you have been that's probably the only place where you haven't heard someone go "Ohmigod I LOVE Kurupt FM, they're SO funny and I've always LOVED garage music as well, all along, since the beginning!" So he's making a comeback and that's quite a good thing imo because he seems like a nice chap. Listen to this cover of 'Fill Me In' over Justin Bieber and WEEP, mere mortal.
THE WORD SPOOKY
And speaking of which, actually no not speaking of which at all cos this has nothing to do with any of that last bit. But this year I got well into the word SPOOKY. It's a great catch all word that can basically describe anything you fucking well like. "This afterjam is fucking spooky", "That guy is a bit spooky isn't he?", "Mum, this Xmas pudding is fucking spooky as fuck, what gives?", and so on and so forth. But mostly I came up with it when I was in a brutally long session of boshing all kinds of things for a day long Saturday session and this chick came out of N O W H E R E to start banging out the spookiest tech-house I'd ever heard. I mean, listen to this sweltering fruitwagon and tell me you don't feel spooky as fuck.
It's great isn't it? It's my favourite venue in the whole of London and having met the owners, who are the loveliest people you could every hope to meet, I hope it carries on doing what it's doing for many years to come, which is providing the best venue, sound-system and general VIBE-A-THONS anywhere in London. Long may its reign continue.
Speaking of which, I have to confess that this year I've been a MASSIVE fanboy of Trouble Vision. But I'M NOT ASHAMED, because they consistently provide the best fucking nights anywhere in London, hands down. Whether it's in Oval Space, Village Underground or the aforementioned Corsica Studios, they always have the best line ups, the best vibes and the best methods of politely dealing with me being a MASSIVE fanboy.
MOTOR CITY DRUM ENSEMBLE AT THE HYDRA
Boy howdy. Gee whizz. Holy smokes. This guy. Was. A FUCKING VIBE. Here's my review of the night. But it probably doesn't do him justice really. I have to say that even though I'm bumming Corsica Studios and Trouble Vision his set was the best set I'd seen this year. I mean there were many strong contenders but he really took it to the next level in the Black Studio of The Hydra (also a very strong contender for favourite venue of the year). I can't wait to see him play again.
ME BECOMING A REAL LIFE JOURNALIST AND SHIT
Lads. Let me get serious for a moment if you'll let me. Lend me your ears. Take a pew. Have a breather from what has so far been a guided tour through Lollywood, USA. In 2014 I was in a dark place. I was at the end of my tether at my shit sales job, was doing packet on what seemed like a bi-weekly basis and wasn't listening to Justin Bieber half as much as I do now. Times were tough. I was essentially strafing Emotions Boulevard, only stopping momentarily to dine in at the Feelings Cafe, just next to the Heartbreak Hotel. But then I decided to take a step in the right direction. I did an NCTJ course and now have graduated as an offish journo and shit. I no longer do that shitty sales job, have cut my packet intake to just once a week and listen to Justin Bieber twice as much as I did before. Things are fucking great, if I'm honest lads. Believe in your dreamz and they will become reality, swear to Linford, it's true. I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and to play me out is DJ Q doing this bassline cover of Mariah Carey "All I Want For Xmas Is You". LATERS.