Our man of mystery speaks to the girlfriend of the year....


Our man of mystery speaks to the girlfriend of the year....

Life isn't all about techno, industrial techno, minimal techno, hard house, minimal hard house and vocal hard bag, you know. It isn't. The most important thing in life, that really counts, is your scorecard with God. Evel Knievel told me that, and it's a message that I feel sits rather comfortably with this website and the direction it decides to go in from now on. You might have noticed that I avoided stepping foot on the Ran$om Note last week. It wasn't because I wasn't invited to do anything special with the guest editor, Young Marco, like when I had a deep and meaningful with Ivan Smagghe last year, when he was the guest editor, no; it was because Ran$om Note, for hopefully one week only, Mighty Morphed quite deliberately into Wunderground, and I fucking hhhhhhhhhhhhate Wunderground.

I'm giving R$N another chance, though, and the benefit of the doubt, by coming back to the site today with a CRACKING interview with that bird off of PC Music, GFOTY, but if they then start running articles like, Sven Vath To Apply To Be The New Pope, or Seth Troxler Has Started An Indie Band Called Back Pedal, or The Martinez Brothers Have Changed Their First Names To Barry By Deed Pole, or Ricardo Villalobos To Apply To Be The New Pope, then I'll run a mile. Or kick off the Weekly Review of Dance Music again. There's enough original hilarity with the Asking for a Friend bloke on whatever the fucking hell page he's on. We don't need any more humorous content on Ran$om Note do we, ladies and gentlemen?

Actually, it was quite a lot of fun writing those false headlines. LOLoutLOUD.

Speaking of quite a lot of fun, I've literally just said goodbye to GFOTY. There she goes, walking out of the M&M's shop, and out of my life, with a spring in her step and a head full of hopes and dreams. I wish I was still young. I bet she doesn't even remember my name.

My name is Tonka.

I met GFOTY outside the Moon Under Water, and we went for a walk around the colourful shops of Leicester Square. I really wanted to hold her hand, but I ended up just barking questions at her because she's got an album to promote and she's blabbing to everyone about how good she thinks it is, which is fair enough. I'd do the same if I was a pop star with an LP to sell (BUY GFOTYBUCKS HERE). All I wanted was to brush fingers for a fraction of a second, though. Sigh.

Silly, silly me, I forgot to pick up the Dictaphone on the way out, but thankfully I have a photographic memory and have remembered EVERYTHING we said to one another, except for the question I asked her that relates to the recent #MeToo stuff. I'm not allowed to remember that one, unfortunately. Sorry, lads. Blame the snowflake lawyers who slither around the R$N HQ, whining and moaning and crying, "You can't write that, you can't write this, you can't ask that, this will offend someone, that isn't left-wing enough..."


It's PC Music gone mad! LOLoutLOUD.

Here is the transcript of my Leicester Square interview with GFOTY:

Q. For anyone unfamiliar with the name, GFOTY, could you tell them who you are, what you do and why you do it?

A. I am GFOTY, Girlfriend of the Yeah, aka The Girlfriend of Every Year and Your Worst but Best Nightmare. I am a performer and a musician and MORE.

Q. Which year are you the girlfriend of?


Q. Do you think you'll ever get married? If so, who do you want to marry?

A. I hope I get married – I will get married – and when I do it will be to a wonderful person!

Q. Was establishing yourself in the dance music industry easy or really hard?

A. Am I established? Nothing in life is really that hard at all if you put yourself in the right mind frame before applying yourself to any given task – I mean look at my body! I didn’t get it over night, but I basically did.

Q. You wrote a good song recently about kissing with the tongue, called Tongue. I also like kissing with the tongue. Why do you think that kissing with the tongue is so popular amongst children and adults of all ages, shapes and sizes?

A. Is kissing with a tongue really popular with children of all ages?! I’d say it becomes quite popular when children become 12 and above – but they should probably wait until they’re 16 to kiss with a tongue – because that’s when the muscles fully develop…I don’t suggest kissing with a tongue beforehand! I believe its popular with people of the RIGHT kissing-with-a-tongue age because people love saliva and spit and stuff, don’t they, so I guess it’s the closest one can get to actually dating spit and stuff – so it makes people feel something quite intense.

Q. You are in with the PC Music lot. They call it Politically Correct Music, but you're a bit controversial. How do you explain THAT? And what's THAT all about, then?

A. Oh I thought it stood for Personal Computer?

Q. What's the most controversial thing you've ever done?

A. Oooooooooooffffff! Once I broke my dad’s teeth by feeding him a 99 flake which I tried feeding to some ducks at the park – but the park had gravel all on the floor – so when I picked it up I forgot the ground had gravel and then fed it to my dad, I didn’t force feed it, but I offered it and he broke his teeth! Pretty controversial!! Another time I was at a house party when I was 13 and I was dancing with a boy my friend fancied, so she went up to me whilst we were dancing and slapped me and then I fell to the ground and pretended I had passed out to make it all about me – and then I caught her attention when I was on the ground and winked at her – that was a good party because it was all about me.

​Q. You've got a new compilation OUT NOW called GFOTYBUCKS. Here's your chance to plug it to the twelve or thirteen knob-heads in east London who read Ran$om Note...take it away...can you please tell me all about GFOTYBUCKS?

A. Hey 12 or 13 knob-heads in East London who read Ransom Note! GFOTYBUCKS is somewhat of a Greatest Hits and somewhat of a something else. It’s got new stuff on there, too, which are already greatest hits! It sums up my life so far as GFOTY and gives an unsettling feeling about what else is to come! GFOTYBUCKS is also your new favourite coffee shop and the servers are all really beautiful.


Q. Four-bar snare roll (rising in volume) or a cymbal crash on each of the last four beats before the start of a new bar?

A. Hardest question I’ve ever had to answer, so I’ll say both.

Q. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated?

A. I want to say stone cold sober but let’s be honest…

Q. There's another new song on YouTube now called Lemsip. Do you think Lemsip helps at all when you've got a cold or do you, like me, think that it's just a really tasty placebo?

A. Lemsip and Vodka is a really tasty drink! I’m a big fan of Lemsip. It probably is a placebo but like isn’t everything a placebo these days?

Q. What are your plans for Christmas and NYE?

A. Stone cold sober or absolutely fucking terminated.

Q. Do you want to come to the Ran$om Note Christmas Party on the 7 December? We're having it at the new mega Wetherspoon's in Ramsgate. I can ask the bloke who runs Ran$om Note if you can come if you want? It should be ok.

A. OMGGG I still haven’t been to that Weatherspoon’s  - yeah! I’m totally down! Book me to DJ or something! Lollll.

Q. Have you ever met Ricardo Villalobos?

A. No, unless I was absolutely fucking terminated at the time.

Q. Do you have any words of advice for your young fans who want to get into singing and making music?

A. Don’t worry about being tone deaf. I’m actually pitch perfect, but you can be tone dead, too. Just as long as you have like some sort of personality to go along with it and you put that out there you can do whatever you want! Even if it’s really bad – just do it! <3

Oh, one last question! Come back.

Q. Are you having a launch party for GFOTYBUCKS?

A. I am playing Five Miles on Thursday night

Q. Is DJ Warlord playing?

A. Yes.

What a lovely young lady! Please join me in wishing GFOTY all the very best in her future endeavours and, if you like her music, buy her new album and go to the launch party for it tomorrow night...