TONKA'S WEEK: 29.09.2017

This week Tonka reports back from the White Island.

TONKA'S WEEK: 29.09.2017

This week Tonka reports back from the White Island.

Tonka’s Week is a special one from the White Island; Ibiza. Slap on your sun cream, lie back, drink a massive jug of Sangria, drop some UPS or Super Mario pills and get yourself a blow job off of a Geordie or Scottish slapper because we’re in the White Isle; Ibiza, Spain.

As I said earlier in this week's Tonka’s Week, this week’s Tonka’s Week is an Ibiza special from the White Island, Ibiza. I’m talking Ibiza, Ibizan music, Ibizan birds and Ibizan clubbing and Ibizan sunsets on Sunset Beach, Ibiza. My mate, Draper, got back from there the other day and he said he had the best time he’s ever had. Out of the fourteen lads who went, he said he pulled the most birds.

Despite what you might think though, Ibiza is not JUST about the birds you can pull. Ibiza is the spiritual home of dance music. Yes, this little White Island off the western coast of Spain is where house music started, house music remained and where house music will continue to live. You don’t get more house than Ibiza, so I’m fucking psyched and buzzing and excited to be doing a review about it for Ran$om Note. If you think I’ve done a review of Ibiza on the Weekly Review of Dance Music before, and that I’m re-hashing it on this website because I’ve been way too busy in my proper job (the one I get paid money for) to write anything original, you’re absolutely fucking wrong.

Anyway, my mate said he went he went to three nightclubs and loads of bars. The night clubs he went to were Circo Loco, Space on Sunday and Manumission. He said the best three bars were Café Mambo, Café Del Mar and Cheers Karaoke Bar in San Antonio. He didn't pull in either of the two Cafés but he pulled loads in Cheers. One night he pulled a Scouser, got back to her apartment, done her from behind, fell asleep and when she got up in the morning he legged it back to the hotel in just his pants where he got a standing ovation of applause from all of the lads!! Then they all NekNominated him to drink a pint of their shit, spunk and blood. Did he neck it? Yes, he fucking did. Fucking legend, mate. Legend.

Right, let’s get cracking.

As the name suggests, Circo Loco is a night club with a twist. The two promoters come from a family of clowns, and they have drawn from their Romanian Circus childhood to create an Ibizan brand synonymous with mucking about. These crazy bastards put the NIGHTclub on during the DAY…on a Monday! Who goes clubbing on a Monday afternoon?? Honestly, Draper said he'd never seen anything like it.

It gets fucking stupid before you've even paid entry. Apparently you get handed a big red clown wig at the door and if you don't put it on, the bouncer can refuse access. You HAVE to wear the red wig to get through the doors, but once you're in, you're allowed to take it off. Sounds fucking weird to me - gone are the days when a nice pair of trousers and a pair of polished shoes would guarantee you entry. I suppose foreign clubs just have different rules.

Anyway, get inside Circo Loco nightclub and you are hit by non-stop beats. This place is pure, wall-to-wall house music, women and drugs. Even the DJs are women: my mate said that when Tania Volcano was on his mate asked one of their mates to go and get some gear. My mate's mate's mate couldn't move for 15 minutes because Tania V was playing some music that he literally couldn't stop dancing to. If anyone can identify this track, please get in touch because it sounds trippy as fuck; my mate said it was a standard 4/4 kick drum pattern with a clap on the 2 and a snare on the 4. This was a 2-bar phrase looped - the second phase of the phrase had a snare on the 2 AND 4. The bass line was sub and had a LOT of side-chain compression (linked with the kick). It had a closed hat spilling throughout every beat and a "dance with me" vocal that was repeated every bar. It sounded tribal, had lots of toms echoing through it and every 16 bars there would be a simple lead minor chord pad that would run BACKWARDS. I would love to get my hands on an MP3 version of this if anyone can help.

So, this track finishes and my mate could stop dancing long enough to go and get some ecstasy E tablets. Usually, you're walking round like a lemon in UK clubs looking shifty and asking moody looking fuckers if they're selling. I always feel a bit sordid doing that, especially when I ask someone and they look down their nose at me and say "no". When you eventually do find someone selling you get absolutely no customer service; you get scowled at, they don't maintain eye contact, won't do banter AND they don't do change. I only carry on buying them because they make me feel really good about myself.

I'll tell you something while I'm at it, why oh why oh why don't UK clubs stop kidding themselves and admit it. Yes, we are a nightclub. Yes, we are open until 8am the next day and the only reason these kids keep turning up, missing bedtime and dancing until chucking out time is because we have a load of fucking drug dealers indoors knocking out illegal high Ecstasy pills. In Circo Loco, my mate said there were blokes dressed as clowns wearing big purple badges with the word "CHEMIST" on them in big white letters! They were knocking faze tabs out, happy as Larry. No one batted an eye lid. He met jolly looking dealers from Argentina, Spain, France and Moscow, and every single one of them smiled and looked like they were having just as good a time as their punters. It makes a fucking difference. I know the powers that be in our so called country don't like a sensible drug debate but they need to compare and contrast Circo Loco in Ibiza with The Egg in Kings Cross and sort out some kind of middle ground because I'm seriously considering moving to Ibiza. "Goodbye Tonka UK tax revenue". Sorry lads, I'm getting all political. Let's get back to the tunes...

You can't go to Ibiza without experiencing the experience that is the Manumission experience. My mate said that as soon as he walked through the front door of Manumission, he saw a midget woman being fingered by the bald headed promoter whilst his missus fingered him with his other finger as an amputee was squeezing her arse with his wrists! Can you believe it? This wasn't even part of the famous Manumission Sex Show on stage - he said this was just by the cloakroom amongst the punters.

Manumission is all about superstar DJs playing techno whilst the bald headed promoter and his missus have sex on stage with dwarfs who can suck their own cocks. Not my kind of thing, but it’s 2011, I mean, 2017, and I'm willing to go with the flow. DJ Loco Dice was playing at this particular night and, my mate couldn't say for sure, but he was 99% certain that he was getting a blow job beneath the decks. He said he was pulling some fucking peculiar faces during mixing.

Space on Sunday is where it all kicks off. Space on Sunday is on the Sunday in Ibiza and it's where it all kicks off for the clubbers who like to party. My mate got in and bought some gak off a bloke who he thought was Brandon Block. It wasn't him, though. Carl Cox plays here every week on the Sunday throughout the Ibiza season and, let me tell you this, he absolutely tore the roof off of Space on Sunday! My mate said he was playing stuff like The Prodigy, Basement Jaxx, Carl Cox, Miss Kittin and tons of white labels; stuff he'd never heard before. "When you watch the famous Ibiza sunset from the Space on Sunday courtyard you are watching a slice of Heaven descend directly from God in Heaven and into the Spanish Sea on Earth - there is no Hell and we are one body, one life and one humanity travelling through the Universe". Pretty heavy stuff, but they're not my words; they're the words of this German bloke my mate got chatting to after dropping his seventh pill.

So that's the Ibiza CLUB review for Ran$om Note: it’s a 9/10 from Tonka.

Fuck me, this is depressing, isn’t it? I used to have original ideas coming out of every orifice. Anyway, chin up. I’m still more entertaining than most of the shit on this site, I think. I don’t know – I don’t really read any other writers on here, or on any other dance music websites! LOLoutLOAD. It’s a good job I don’t really give a shit if anyone reads what I write or have any ambitions to climb the slimy, horrible dance music journalism ladder anymore. Fuck everyone in dance, because I don’t give a fucking shit about any of you anymore.

Saying that, I’m hosting a networking night at the Ran$om Note office next Wednesday night, where I hope to ingratiate myself further with members of the underground (London) dance scene by letting everyone play Street Fighter II on my brand new SNES Mini. It’s going to be a lorra, lorra fun, and if you're a prominent or soon-to-be prominent player in the dance scene, why not come along and meet me for real. I'm sure we'll get on like a house on fire.

Before I leave for the weekend, go on RA and spend your wages on tickets for the Halloween House of God in BRUM; Makaton, Sunil Sharpe and HOG residents. 

Tickets available here.