TONKA'S WEEK 2014 #9

Desomorphine, Black Grape, Absolute Radio 90's, Terrorcore, Louis Theroux and North Korean Haircuts.

TONKA'S WEEK 2014 #9

Desomorphine, Black Grape, Absolute Radio 90's, Terrorcore, Louis Theroux and North Korean Haircuts.

? I went to Drapers flat in Finsbury Park the other day and tried some of that desomorphine everyone keeps talking about. It was fucking brilliant. Desomorphine, or, as Draper kept hilariously calling it, Crocodile, felt very similar to a warm smack of heroin, only its fast-acting rather than long-lasting.


Im scared of needles, so as Draper jacked his arm up with my brown leather Jeff Banks belt and slowly fed the stainless steel prick through a proud bump of arm flesh to pierce a blue, stringy blood tube I stared out of the window and smiled at the postman who strolled by with his black and white cat. As he held a letter aloft and acknowledged me with a friendly nod I casually waved back, pretending that I wasnt about to cuddle the horse for a few hours with an old school friend in an absolute fucking shit hole surrounded by broken dreams, a twat, two empty tins of paint thinner and half a dozen ripped up match boxes. I leaned over the kitchen worktop, snorted a little finger of Crocodile and sat next to Draper on his mattress. He asked me how the Weekly Review of Dance Music was going. I told him the truth and sniffed a bit more off the back of my hand. We slowly fell away from one another and dripped into our own minds for a while.


Ill tell you something for nothing, people say that you get green fingers from too much gardening but theyre wrong. My fingers look like slices of lime now and theyre hanging on to my knuckles by a fucking thread. It was lovely at the time but Im never doing Crocodile again, Ill tell you that.


Black Grape Kellys Heroes


? People must think that I sit at home and listen to techno promos, industrial white labels and watch Boiler Room sets on my white iPad 2 every night. Theyre absolutely right to think that Im that cool but theyre wrong to assume that all I listen to is popping fresh dance tunes and greasy sweet, bitchin flava.


Yes, I listen to achingly uber-hip techno promos by artists Im not allowed to tell you about yet and yes, I listen to industrial white labels by unknown producers that are all that and a pimp-tight bag of spanners and yes, I watch kick-ass, sicky dank DJ sets on Boiler Room by, amongst others, Seven Davis Jr, Tim Sheridan, Shortkut and Eric Djemba Djemba. I do all of that in Northolt every night, yes, but this week Ive also been listening to Absolute Radio 90s. Every fucking night.


Every fucking night. Im getting addicted to Absolute Radio 90s. I only put it on for a laugh on Monday night and within half an hour I was sucked in. Id heard classics from Shed Seven, Black Grape, Oasis, Reel 2 Reel, Pulp, Black Grape, James, Electronic, Soundgarden, Pulp, Oasis, Black Grape and Suede. It all takes me right back to being a teenager which, ironically, I fucking hated being at the time.


? I was disappointed with the new Louis Theroux programme on Sunday night; hes just not as funny as he used to be. Louis Therouxs LA Stories: City of Dogs was fucking rubbish. Ive been a fan of Louis Theroux since his Weird Weekend series in the 1990s, he used to muck about with gangsta rappers, wrestlers, swingers, gay porn stars, straight porn stars, bisexual gay-for-pay porn stars and prostitutes then. It was brilliant. Nowadays he just skulks around prisons and talks about what hes getting involved in with a degree of empathy that you actually believe is genuine. I didnt really understand what I was watching with City of Dogs because if it wasnt full-grown American men crying it was dogs barking, and all Louis Theroux did was stand around in the background looking bored.


To make things more entertaining, Micky John and I screamed who let the dogs out? Who? Who? WHO? Every time a dog appeared on screen.


? I was out drinking lager with a Blackneck, Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live and Perc in Dalston the other night. I was trying to tell Shabs that techno was better than happy hardcore but he wasnt having it. He kept banging on about a genre of music called terrorcore. Id never heard of it before so he shoved an iPod earbud next to my cheek and let me have some. Terrorcore sounds like your ZX Spectrum loading up whilst a paralytic robot screams the F word in your earhole with a broken microphone over and over and over again.


To ingratiate myself further into the life of Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live and to impress him Ive been working on a hybrid of sounds in Ableton 9 Live Lite to create a new genre of music: minimal terrorcore. My minimal terrorcore track, 2 Frightened 2 Dance, combines my nostalgic love of Foreign Muck-styled sparse-tech and Shabs love of speedy beats and horrific sound effects. I wanted to get the track finished for today to premier on Ran$om Note but I havent managed it. I honestly thought that producing a track with a bpm of 202 would be a fairly quick job. Youd think that, wouldnt you? Eh? You would though. A fast track, logically, should take less time to finish making than a slow one. Im still having trouble warping the 8 bar Metallica sample over the 909 kit though.


? My thoughts and prayers go out to Gwyneth and Chris.


? Im getting my hair cut today. If you look through the window of Sergios on Oldfield Circus at 3pm, Ill be the one getting a Kim Jong Un. Only joking! You see plenty of young men with a Kim Jong Un haircut down Brick Lane, Kingsland Road, Shoreditch High Street, Stoke Newington, Hoxton Square (probably), Dalston Junction, London Fields, the Custard Factory in Birmingham (probably), Lower East Side Manhattan and the Bronx 52nd and 69th Street, some areas of Brooklyn, Hackney, Southwark, Oldfield Circus and Camden Market.


Ive read nothing but headlines and something in the Metro, but if that story about Kim Jong Un making everyone in North Korea have the same hairdo as him is anything more than western propaganda, Ill go to North Korea myself and waltz around a local market wearing nothing but a short white cocktail dress emblazoned with a graphic cartoon of Kim Jong Uns dads decomposed face being shat on by a South Korean drag queen whilst a naked Dennis Rodman tries to revive his cock with a long, slow lap of the shaft with his, probably pierced, tongue.


Baha Men Who Let The Dogs Out



?Tonka is the sole writer for the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music
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