TONKA'S WEEK 15.5.15

Remember when banter was called cheeking? Tonka does...

TONKA'S WEEK 15.5.15

Remember when banter was called cheeking? Tonka does...

< > I was watching a band called Finger Puppet in The Black Horse on Saturday night with Draper. Finger Puppet weren’t as good as they said they were going to be, so Draper and I got paralytic and started to cheek one another. The cunt started things off by calling me, “birdbrain”, so I gave the scabby, bald-faced twat some back by telling him to stop being so bloody rude. Did he stop being rude? Did he heck as like; he told me that my mobile phone was too big and picked up a nearby food menu, held it to his ear and pretended to phone his missus on it to illustrate how big he thought my phone was. I was having none of that, so I pointed towards the toilet door and REALLY cheeked him. I shouted, “Look over there, Draper, what’s your front door doing in the pub?” That shook him. After turning around and seeing the toilet door where he thought his front door would be, Draper sulked for a minute and then gobbed on my Scooby Doos with a cheeky grin on his face. I wiped the spit off on the shin of his brand new jeans and laughed as loud as I do when I read those hilarious Wunderground articles that all of my DJ, producer and journalist associates share around the internet, giggling like Wunderground is the funniest fucking thing in the world.

Remember when banter was called cheeking? I do, that’s why I fabricated an entire bit about Draper and I cheeking one another in the pub with a dance music related sentence tagged on the end about a website whose popularity I still genuinely don’t understand when anyone these days would call it banter.


< > Politics, eh? I’m still absolutely furious at evil David ‘Evil’ Cameron for sneaking his evil, powerful feet through the door of Number 10 after being democratically elected by the majority of those who voted in the UK General Election 2015. I’m even more furious at the evil people who fairly and democratically voted him in on the 7th May. Honestly, ladies and gentlemen. I ask you. I, like all of my left-leaning and condescending DJ, producer and journalist associates on social media are STILL absolutely flabbergasted at the result and the recently scheduled evil new policies people like Michael Gove, David Cameron and etc, etc.


< > Saying all that, I think the new Conservative government have cleared up the Credit Crunch already! I was interviewing for a fucking CLEANER on Sunday afternoon. WRDMHQ was swarming with elderly foreign women desperate to run my vacuum cleaner around and wipe my kitchen work surface to a gleam. Plim Plom from Vietnam got the job in the end because I was literally able to see my face in the carpet after she ran my Henry around. You don’t turn women like Plim Plom down for a housekeeping job after vacuuming the carpet like that. And she was the only woman there under the age of sixty. And she was the only one there with a 36C bust and loads of make-up on her face. And she agreed to have a saucy shower with yours truly once every two weeks to help me get over the death of my cat. And I haven’t even had a cat that died recently. Winking smiley face.

< > I was researching some cool new dance music genres for the Weekly Review of Dance Music the other day and ended up watching about 65 minutes of tube train videos on YouTube. I Googled the words, ‘dirty underground chuggers’ and was delivered to the Londonist YouTube channel and their Secrets of the… series. In it, jolly Geoff Marshall travels the length and BREADTH of each tube line in London and tells you all you need to know about them – as well as revealing dozens of unknown features and secret facts – in just 5 minutes (!) per line.

Having now watched all of the episodes thrice, I’ve added Geoff Marshall (Geoff, as I call him) to my list of fantasy friends along with Andy off of CBeebies, Mister Maker off of CBeebies, Alex off of CBeebies, Frank Skinner, Chris Jarvis off of CBeebies, Cat off of CBeebies, Pamela Anderson, Tim Lovejoy (the Soccer AM years), DJ Dave Clarke, Jordan, Jerry Seinfeld, Cerrie off of CBeebies, Russell Brand, Pui off of CBeebies, the Bossy Indian Parole Officer off of YouPorn and Slash.

I’ve never met Geoff Marshall, but he seems like a genuinely nice and decent person, his Secrets of the… tube videos are fucking brilliant and I’d very happily buy him one pint of beer at a time and place of his choosing in west London and/or an excitable ride on the Central line.

< > I went to church for a laugh on Sunday morning. After it had finished, I went to an invite-only lunch at the parish house with the vicar for a laugh. Whilst there, I got chatting to the former News of the World and The Sun sports journalist, Geoff Sweet. What a mullet! After discussing things that there is no way on Earth I can fucking repeat on here or in public, he offered me his no-longer-used trampoline for free. I said, “Geoff, thank you very much. That’s a very kind offer. Give me your address and I’ll have it collected next weekend.”

The stories he told me about the ongoing court case and the Fleet Street past would make your hair curl, but what a lovely man. I’ll go to church for a laugh more often.

< > I don’t live in Brighton, and I never will, but if I did, or ever considered moving there, I’d definitely be putting Patterns at the top of the list of places I had to go to before I’d even plugged my fridge in after moving into my new house after moving to Brighton.

In June alone, they’ve got DJ Dave Clarke, Nick Höppner, Bradley Two Zero, Anthony Parasole, Mount Kimbie, Ivan Smagghe (Smagghey, as I call him), Optimo and my favourite BBC London news reader, Riz Lateef, playing there (on different dates). Patterns is by the beach, so after you’ve got absolutely fucking terminated you can go and throw stones into the sea, steal all of the German tourist beach towels and throw them in the sea too before chomping on a shit Cornish pasty and pretending that cold English beaches are a cool place to sit around on whilst looking cool and all fucked up.