TONKA'S WEEK: 10.11.17

"Ran$om Note is the only dance website where you can read about their writers' intimate washing techniques and get an honest review of some dance music."

TONKA'S WEEK: 10.11.17

"Ran$om Note is the only dance website where you can read about their writers' intimate washing techniques and get an honest review of some dance music."

< > "Priti by name, pretty by nature", I whispered to myself as I slowly wriggled out of my tracksuit trousers.

Poor old Priti Patel, eh lads? We'll miss her in the Houses of Parliament, won't we? Priti Patel was the only good looking bird doing politics, and T-Bone has chopped her like the green-eyed, side-eyed, boss-eyed Prime Minister she is. Unbelievable. I'm one of the few people in dance music who doesn't read or care about the news, and I never pretend to be interested in it on social media, so I'm not entirely sure why she's been sacked. I just thought she looked like a bit of alright for a lady politician; they normally look like a fucking moose, so I was pleasantly surprised when I Googled Priti Patel.

"Priti by name, pretty by nature", I said to myself as I reached inside my tracksuit trousers. Oh, I've already done that bit. I Googled, "lady UK politicians 2017", and I sadly couldn't find a better looking bit of fluff than Priti Patel, and the ones left now are a right bunch of fucking geeks (one of them looked like a male Noel Fielding), so I've got even less of a reason to watch the news now. Sigh. What else has been going on?

< > Louis C.K. is a flasher.

< > I'm supposed to be writing questions for GFOTY, but I've only got as far as asking her if she's got any words of advice for any of her handicapped fans (who want to attend her concerts but are worried about wheelchair access and noise/light levels). I need to crack on with it, really, and push the content out SHARPISH or I'm at risk of being left out of the trendy dance label loop...again.

GFOTY is really cool, and so cool, and a bit controversial and detached, and a bit cool, so it should be a really good interview. I've had a private listen to her new single, Tongue, and I really have to say that it's a really brilliant song. Really, really brilliant. It really is brilliant. Really. I really like it. Really. Definitely. And I know that's the kind of reaction she's going for in the UK music press, so I'm glad for her in that respect.

Her greatest hits compilation, GFOTYBUCKS, is out on Politically Correct Music at the end of the month, so I've got a bit of time to play with, actually. Expect an interview with GFOTY on R$N in the next few weeks or I'll COMMIT SUICIDE LIVE ON BOILER ROOM on the 30 November 2017.

< > I hate the smell of my cock when I've not washed it for a couple of weeks.

That line popped into my head about a month ago, and I wrote it in the notes app on my mobile phone - because I'm a writer - but I don't think it means anything. I have a shower every night before I go to sleep, and I use shower gel to wash my body (private parts included), and I have a shower in the morning where I usually wash my hair (some days I don't) and use the foam from the shampoo to wash my body again...yes; willy and arsehole included. If anything, I love the smell of my cock, and I've never gone more than 24 hours without washing it, so to write something like that in my phone says more about the state of my mind than it does about the freshness of my cock.

I love Tonka's Week. You really don't read this kind of thing in Resident Advisor, or FACT, or The Quietus. Mixmag, maybe, but not DJ Mag. Ran$om Note is the only dance website where you can read about their writers' intimate washing techniques and get an honest review of some dance music, plus some hard-hitting political commentary for the privileged cunts on social media who read these kinds of websites and pretend to care about social reform, and some well-earned light-relief from the ever side-splitting Asking for a Friend gang.


< > Everyone has been going mental on Twitter this week, for a change. My timeline has been ramma-jamma with people writing sincerely distressed 280-character Tweets about how awful it is that Twitter has upped the character count to 280. I'm not being funny, but you don't have to use all 280 characters, and you don't have to use Twitter, so stop fucking moaning and/or making properly shit jokes about it on Twitter. There's a parable for this kind of situation that can be read in the Bible:

And then Jesus lifted the 22-stone cripple with one hand above his head whilst riding a unicycle up and down a beam of uneven stone in the dark, and He said, "Mark, think about what REALLY matters in your life and then get on with whatever it is you need to be doing with your life in the moment that you actually remember what it is you're supposed to be doing in it before you forget and it's too late to be living it." - Mark, chapter 2, verse 69.

< > Oops. I almost deleted an email from Will Lawes at Dispersion PR then! He's the only cunt who sends me decent music these days. Let me delete the one from PIAS instead. There. Right, let's have a look at this email from Will...

...fuck me, it's only some PR for my old boss, Scuba! #SupportTheTeam

"[RADIO EMBARGO] Please do not play on radio until 27th November 2017."

Noted. That's three days before my birthday/highly probable suicide live on Boiler Room. What else is Will saying?

"Scuba drops another four cuts as SCB on Hotflush Recordings this December."

Nice one. Tell me more, Will.

"Paul Rose first launched his SCB moniker in 2010, going on to appear on labels like Ostgut Ton, Aus Music and Nonplus until 2014. This year saw the pioneering British producer revisit his darker alias with a dystopian themed release on Hotflush – he now returns with four more twisted and ominous productions."

You're joking?! Fucking nice one. What's it called and when's it coming out, Will?

"SCB ‘Old Media New Society’ drops on Hotflush Recordings on 15th December 2017."

Sorry to keep asking questions, Will, but have you got a tracklist for it?


A1 Test Tubes
A2 Freedom For The Fifty
B1 Oration
B2 Laboratory Conditions"

Test Tubes and Laboratory Conditions, eh? Sounds like an EP about science, to me. I wouldn't be surprise to find out Scuba is writing an album called, Bunsen Burner, next! LOLoutLOUD.

For more details about this release and PURCHASE INFORMATION, bookmark these links:

< > I went to Birmingham last weekend to watch Jamiroquai perform a 2-hour concert of political funk songs, and I did write those words in the notes app on my mobile phone: "Jamiroquai political funk". I drove my blue Skoda up the motorway and pulled off into the NEC car park. I got out of my car, scratched my head and said, "Hang on a minute. Where are all the Jamiroquai fans? I'm surrounded by old age pensioners and young people who are dressed like old age pensioners. What's going on?"

It turns out that Michael Ball and his mate were on at the NEC and Jamiroquai were playing in town at the NIA! I was so red-faced.

I can't take the credit for that hilarious anecdote, because it was one that Jay Kay told himself on stage, midway through the concert, in-between songs during the stage version of the song in the live show, he told the anecdote on the stage during the stage show, live, as it's performed.

One for the Morris heads, there.

Jamiroquai were good, but I couldn't help wondering if Jay Kay really felt comfortable with a massive mechanical hat on his head. I suppose the tracksuit he was wearing might have offset the uncomfortableness incurred by the massive mechanical hat on his head. I don't know. Jay Kay, why not get in touch and let me know?