TONKA'S WEEK: 08.09.17

I bought a black and white cat at the weekend. He's called Mo, he's a 1-year old, and he vomits on the WRDMHQ carpet in the middle of the night, every night.

TONKA'S WEEK: 08.09.17

I bought a black and white cat at the weekend. He's called Mo, he's a 1-year old, and he vomits on the WRDMHQ carpet in the middle of the night, every night.

< > I don't know. One week I'm cheerfully jumping on the anti-Boiler Room bandwagon and sharing that anti-Boiler Room/Notting Hill Carnival article that everyone else was blindly sharing and pretending to get all het up about, the next (week) I'm remembering that I actually quite like Boiler Room as a concept and I'm sat in WRDMHQ with my tracksuit trousers around my ankles trying to spaff one off over that try-hard bare-arsed bloke's bare arse during the Prosumer stream. LOLoutLOUD. Hey, I love I Feel Love by Donna Summer. I've never heard of Wes Baggaley before, but he's been properly BANGING on this Boiler Room as warm-up for Prosumer, and he's playing a CORKING remix of I Feel Love on Prosumer's Boiler Room as I type this. Anyway, I digress. I was explaining how I had my tracksuit trousers around my ankles and I was trying to JERK OFF over the dirty dancers on Prosumer's Boiler Room.

Wes Baggaley looks a bit like Prosumer, actually. Maybe that's why he got invited along.

< > I've banged on about this for years, but Prosumer is a great DJ because not only is he a great DJ, he also, hilariously, looks like loads of other people. He looks like Wes Baggaley, he looks like Mike Manumission, he looks like Michael Eavis, he looks like P-Thugg out of Chromeo and I noticed earlier this year that he looks like the bearded one out of ABBA...I can't remember her name. ROFLOFL

And before I forget: Prosumer is playing the last ever Thunder at The Columbian in Elephant and Castle on the spookily dated Friday 13th of October. DETAILS ON THIS LINK HERE. The also excellent DJs, Miles Simpson and Will Webster, are rockin' da house through to the early morn', so BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

So yes, anyway, I couldn't give a fucking shit where Boiler Room broadcast from; what they eat don't make me shit (sang Jay-Z in one of his songs about jealous gangsters), and, to be honest, I don't think anyone really gives a shit either, but we have to look as though we do in this game and pretend that we've never liked Boiler Room, even though we all watch it and, if you're a DJ, you're secretly desperate to get asked by them to perform on their channel, aren't you? Know what I mean?

*taps lefty, "liberal", conscious and woke nose full of "pure" £60 gak and winks*

< > In less than a month, the inaugural Tonka's Street Fighter II Tournament kicks off in the boiler room of the brand new R$NHQ in Aldgate East. The tournament is INVITE ONLY, and I'm only inviting famous DJs and producers from the world of dance. It's going to get photographed by London's go-to dancefloor photographer, young Jake Davis out of Hungry Visuals, on the most expensive camera he can get his little clickers on. Big time and large style acid fans, Posthuman (not sure if both of them are coming, but, lads, you're both invited to come and get Dragon Punched by me), are definitely competing, and I don't know who else. I've invited Scuba on Twitter, but he hasn't responded. Paul, why not get in touch?

Ivan Smagghe might come down if he's free, I think, I've not asked him yet, and I don't know if he likes playing Street Fighter II, but he hangs around with the top brass at Ran$om Note all the time. I reckon if I can get Ivan Smagghe to come and play, Screamadelica's Andrew Weatherall might be tempted, and if Andrew Weatherall is in the Street Fighter II tournament, Primal Scream will probably come along too, for the craic. Hmm. This Street Fighter II Tournament is going to be fucking amazing! If Primal Scream are at my tournament, the whole Madchester scene could end up rolling down. Can you imagine that? Can you?

Imagine that, ladies and gentlemen. Please imagine it.


< > Is this a photo of Berghain at chucking out time or a screenshot of Pit Fighter taken from Google Images?

Asking for a friend. LOLLINGoutLOUDERandLOUDER

< > I bought a black and white cat at the weekend. He's called Mo, he's a 1-year old, and his shit stinks WRDMHQ out, and he vomits on the WRDMHQ carpet in the middle of the night, every night, and he won't stop jumping on the fucking work surfaces and kitchen table when I'm trying to eat my lemon curd on toast in the morning. Cats are sooooooo funny. Lol *straight mouth emoji*

No, he's alright, but he can't wait to get outside so that he can piss and shit on the daffodils, and throw up on the daffodils, and eat the daffodils. National, regional and government guidelines say you have to keep new cats indoors for at least two weeks, but I'm kicking this fucker out on Saturday morning. How am I supposed to stroke my sledgehammer to Prosumer's Boiler Room dancers when every time I whop it out, Mo thinks it's a scratching post?! It all reminds me of that Biggie song, Mo Cat, Mo Problems (Featuring Ma$e & Puff Daddy). MEOWLOL

I would do anything for love, but, sorry Mo, I won't let a cat scratch my cock to pieces whilst I masturbate to the punters on Boiler Room.

<> WOAH! Stop the press! HANG ON A MINUTE! Ch-check out this press release that I've copied and pasted from a very dear friend of mine's PR company round-robin email:

Space is the place! UFO Station Recordings brings you their fifth release; the second solo EP by Hans Berg titled Pathfinder (with a remix by Inland).

Bergs recognizable skewed melodies and deep bass-lines are as present as ever on his three original tracks, balancing the experimental with the emotional and paired with solid beats.

Ed Davenport gives his take on the title track, under his Inland Moniker, and he will not let you down. The remix takes you far down into a deep techno cave with a deconstructed melody and a long, sweeping, dubby delay on top of an unforgiving beat.

EP Title: Pathfinder
Artist: Hans Berg
Remixer: Inland
Label: UFO Station Recordings
Release Date: TODAY

Format: Vinyl, Digital

1. Phase Shift
2. Pathfinder
3. Pathfinder (Inland Remix)
4. Beacons

Order now: Juno Records