TONKA'S WEEK 06.01.17

I will just say, in MY opinion, Celebrity Big Brother, and everyone in it, is FAR LESS try-hard than the new KLF poster.

TONKA'S WEEK 06.01.17

I will just say, in MY opinion, Celebrity Big Brother, and everyone in it, is FAR LESS try-hard than the new KLF poster.

< > I'm what you might call a real rule bender. I'm always bending rules. If I see a rule, I'll more often than not walk over to it, pick it up and start bending it with as much force as I can muster. I'm just that kind of guy. It's like when I...I'm trying to think of an example of me bending the rules, now, but my mind has gone blank. I'm on the spot. It's a bit like when I emailed Andrew Ryce off of Resident Advisor to say that I was bi-sexual to gain ground on an argument I knew I was losing around the height of the Ten Walls controversy. Not many dance music writers would lie about their own sexuality in order to curry sympathy from someone they're disagreeing with, is there? Like I say, I'm a bender.

A bender of rules.

< > Fuck me. What else is going on? It's 2017. That's good news, isn't it? Is it? 2016 has fucked off with all of the heroes and left us with all the baddies – Draper told me that, and I agree. I just can't be arsed to explain it, so I'll move on to talking about Celebrity Big Brother. I was going to pretend, like everyone else, that I’m really excited about KLF on here today, but I can’t be fucked. Let’s do Big Brother instead. I will just say, in MY opinion, Celebrity Big Brother, and everyone in it, is FAR LESS try-hard than the new KLF poster. I can’t fully articulate why because I’m not a proper journalist. Do you know what I mean, though? Next.


< > Have you SEEN Celebrity Big Brother this year? I only watched it the other night because I saw that Gary Lucy was going mental on Twitter about Brandon Block going in. Blocko burst through the CBB doors with his infamous war cry of, "OI OI, SAVELOY!", and swiftly went about DESTROYING the mini-bar and drugs cabinet. Ray J then said something about letting the UK viewers see him be respectable, but all I could think about was the time I rattled one off over him hammering Kim K's pussy hole on YouPorn. THAT then led me to wanting to turn Big Brother off, open up my laptop and get stuck into a bit of hardcore red hot XXX lesbian action on the internet, so I fucked off Brandon Block and got my hand on me cock.

< > Perc Trax have kicked off 2017 in style by inviting Manni Dee to make an EP for them/him (do Perc Trax have a team or is it just Perc? I honestly don't know how their/his operation works). It's called, Throbs of Discontent, and, I've not listened to it yet, but it's fucking brilliant. I know this because after Tidy Trax, Innervisions, Hot Creations, Tripoli Trax, Barry Island, Polydor, Mohawk Records, Lobster Fury, Tresor, Hooj Choons and Nukleuz, Perc Trax is my favourite label, so I’m BUZZING to be plugging their new EP on here today – even though I’ve not received a white label or anything. My only problem with this EP is the name. Whenever I throb, it’s not because I’m discontent, it’s because I’m about to shove my CONTENT REMOVED BY R$N LAWYERS until she CONTENT REMOVED BY R$N LAWYERS all over my nan’s ironing board.

I might even interview Manni Dee for a proper website soon to plug this release even further up the arses of the dance music audience. Fuck it.

Throbs of Discontent by Manni Dee is out on Perc Trax on Friday 20 January. I don’t know how much it costs…or don’t I? Pre-order it here.

< > Cold, isn’t it, ladies and gentlemen? I was scratching my chilblains this morning on the tube, and as flakes of dead skin rained down all over my lap I wondered what it would be like to be a famous pop star, or a famous footballer, or a famous stand-up comedian, or somebody on Facebook who gets loads of Likes for everything they whack up on their page, even if 99% of their jokes are stolen from other websites, Twitter feeds and magazines. Sigh. Maybe one day I’ll get the recogniCONTENT REMOVED BY TONKA – THE ONLY ORIGINAL VOICE IN THE UNIVERSE. I stopped scratching and smiled as a middle-aged man almost fell over when the train stopped suddenly. I wondered what it must be like to fall over in public, an embarrassing condition I have never fallen (geddit? ROFLOFL) prey to.

< > I brought the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music back this week. It was so good, I can’t remember what the post was about. All I ever seem to do is write, so I can’t keep up with what I’m doing half of the time. Have a read of WRDM59, anyway, and share it around the Internet if you’re able to. More page views = more self esteem. Same applies for the HMS Moribund: the Hotflush Recordings blog I’m STILL updating on a daily basis. LOLoutLOUD.

I’m never going away. Ever.

< > I’ll leave you now with one thing. It’s my latest selfie. It’s the bandwagon I’ve only just caught up with and jumped onto the back of. I’m sick of hiding behind that shepherd logo. I want my fans to see the real me, and there’s no better way of showing yourself to the world than by getting involved in selfies. I love selfies! *chuckles*