< > Remember when I used to write the Hotflush daily blog for Scuba every day, and every now and again I'd write a load of hilarious dance music jokes and present them as a collection called Fun Time Friday? No? You don't remember them at all and you hardly fucking remembered that I was writing for Scuba every day in 2016? You don't remember Fun Time Friday? No? Definitely not? Sure? Definitely don't remember any of the jokes? No? Ok.
< > I've been re-watching episodes of Seinfeld on my laptop this week, ladies and gentlemen, and Jerry Seinfeld has inspired me. He's inspired me to be a stand-up comedian...with a twist!
I want to be a stand-up comedian who ONLY bangs on about dance music.
- Why Tonka?
- I don't know.
So, here goes, guys, get ready to laugh your fucking faces inside out...
< > What's the deal with listening to house music in nightclubs? Shouldn't it be called nightclub music? Nobody listens to house music in their house...am I right?
< > So, I'm on a date in the Northolt Wetherspoon's with a hot chick who only listens to rock and roll music. You know the type, right? Black hair, leather jacket, nose rings all over her body. U2 patches all over her jeans. You get the picture, am I right? So, I'm out with this rock and roll chick and I ask her if she likes ecstasy E tablets and dance music. She said she'd never fucking heard of either of them and said she only drinks beer and cider at her rock and roll concerts. I said, "listen love, double-drop these two pingers and let me know if you still like rock and roll music in a couple of hours."
Sure enough, a couple of hours later, her jaw is all over the shop, she's vogueing around my kitchen to the fucking brilliant - and a bit fucking woozy - Timothy Clerkin remix of that Natalie Reiss song, Good Intentions (FREE dl here), and telling me how much she loves dance music! She even wanted to have oral and anal sex with me, but I had pilly willy and wasn't horny because of the ecstasy E tablets I'd swallowed with her!
It's the way I tell 'em!
< > My mother-in-law is so fat, that she turned up at Fabric last weekend for Eats Everything thinking it was a fucking offer!
< >Have you ever noticed how, when you're in a nightclub and you're trying to get off with all the fit women on the dancefloor, it's always your mate who pulls, isn't it? Eh? Always your fucking mate who pulls the best looking birds. It is though, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
Well, it is when I go out...I'm a burns victim who looks like that bloke who came back from the Falklands "war" with no face.
< > An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into Panorama Bar. Paddy says to Jock, "Catch yerself on, Jock lad, you're lucky to get into this club wearing a lime green Ben Sherman shirt, Adidas tracksuit trousers and a pair of tartan Le Coq Sportif trainers, so you are." The Englishman slowly removes the shaven cock of an obese German leather bear from his mouth, tenderly kisses the tip of it and says to them both, with a laugh, "You'd almost say, what what, that you've had the luck of the Irish, pip pip!"
< > How many minimal techno DJs does it take to change a lightbulb?
As few as possible!
< > Ralph walks into a nightclub. He gets himself a drink and double-drops a couple of UPS pills. Half an hour later, he walks up to the most beautifwoman in the club.
He says, "Alright, love? Fancy a dance? I'll be coming up any minute now." She says, "No thanks, mate. You've just shat your trousers."
It turns out Ralph had picked up his granddad's laxative tablets on the way out by mistake!
He also had sever diarrhoea caused by drinking too much coffee that day, and eating an underdone sausage sandwich that his nan had made him for lunch.
< > I'm tired of making people laugh now. I have the tears of a clown trickling down my cheeks.