This Week… Turkeys Rule, Top Gun And The Daily Fail

"Don't fear mistakes – there are none" – Miles Davis

"You can play a shoestring if you're sincere" – John Coltrane

"I think everyone has to kind of decide what the word 'jazz' means to them, and that's fine" – Kenny G

"One chord is fine. Two chords are pushing it. Three chords and you're into jazz" – Lou Reed

This Week… Boris Johnson is calling for more guts in Brexit talks. Shut up you twat. He said the Brexit talks were heading for "meltdown" and Leave supporters may not get the deal they expected. Can you believe that of all the diplomats (DIPSET!), Presidents, Prime Ministers and government big dogs, it's Donald J. Trump that's about to sit down with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and talk… erm… peace?

"Rocket Man is on a suicide
mission for himself and for
his regime."
– Trump (September 2017)

"A frightened dog barks louder…
I will surely and definitely tame
the mentally deranged US
dotard with fire."
– Kim (September 2017)

Threats to Britain are growing. Yes, right now! As you tuck in to your smashed avo on toast, or cereal, or grapefruit, or muesli, or eggs n' bacon, or protein shake, or espresso, or bagel, or cheesy chips, or last night's pizza, or last night's kebab, or last night's date's GENITALS — hahahahahaha, got you — we're buying 138 of the world's most advanced fighter jets. Look.

What the fuck is up with the Top Gun styled 80's power synth rock music? Absolute cocky shitbag warmongering toffs. Fucking TOPCON, m8.

In other news, the Daily Fail's editor, the topcunt bag, Paul Dacre, has announced he is stepping down. Fucking good riddence. Here's Mark.

In other news, the Met Police apply for court order to ban gang members from making drill. Who will police the police in what is and isn't drill music, bruh? "Sorry Mr Gang Member, you're going to have to make funky house now." Apparently they're going to employ Mark Ronson as music consultant. Drill Sgt. Ronson at your service.

In other news, I have mostly been wondering when I'll be famous. Do you know? In other news, Michael MacIntyre's moped was stolen. In other news, does this image look familiar to you? This is Clapham Junction at 8:15am this morning. MADDD!

Fuck the commute! Work from home. That said, it could be worse.

In other news, does it matter who's in charge of Turkey? Yes.

This woman looks very capable.

So does this guy.

Christ! Even JB Gill from JLS looks like a very competent turkey handler.

It seems to be all the rage with the rich and famous.

Here's Ryan Gosling and Selena Gomez on their turkey farm in Ohio.

And here's Nathaniel Attenborough — the cousin of Richard and David — and Monty Don on their farm in Gloucester. Lovely jubbly!

And to think, all of these turkeys will be slaughtered in about four months, ready for the most boring xmas lunch you can imagine. Fucking pointless.

Meat is murder! Ain't that right, Morissey, you weird anti-islamic, right-leaning loon? Bigmouth strikes again who's come out in support of Tommy Robinson and claims he's going to vote for far-right political party, For Britain.

Dayum, that is boring. Unlike this, which is very, very, very, very, very, very, very long and very, very, very, very, very catchy.

What d'ya think of this, Mozza?

Ginger emojis are here. You may not have a soul but at least you have an emoji range.

Right guys, that's about covered for another week. But before I go…

See this? Early birds are flying out…

Do this at our new Ransom Note Record Shop, which now has a proper bar!