"Study the past if you would define the future" - Confucius
"You once caned me for having a chalk penis drawn on the back of my blazer" - A. Partridge
"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier." - M. Theresa
"Ho, ho, ho" - S. Clause.
BUY! BUY! BUY! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! EAT! EAT! EAT! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! It's all a bit much, isn't it... and you're probably hungover. AGAIN! You must be tired of it all by now, eh? No, ahh well, only ten more days of getting sozzled before we reach the BIGGEST PARTY OF THEM ALL...
Thank christ this piece isn't called This Year... otherwise, I'd be here all fucking day trying to remember the best bits. Whilst you've been siphoning your workload for when you return to the office in 2018 — assuming your colleagues and management don't find out but are also doing the same — and eating more biscuits, and drinking warm, spiced cider / wine / lager (yes, lager), the world outside of your plebby existence has been, well, largely the same and last week and all the weeks before that.
Good news, courtesy of the poet Lemn Sissay. After Theresa's recent comments defining homelessness in Parliament, it's nice to read about someone giving a helping hand (or home).
Oh, and if you have any spare change, make sure spare some for our Nigel, yeah!
Okay, so now the bad news courtesy of the leader of our government.
Man like Chunky Mark gives her what for! Wooooo
Back to some good news - if you're a coffee lover. A couple, whose son killed himself, are putting special messages on coffee cups around the UK.
Even better news. WAIT FOR THIS, JUST YOU WAIT. Ready?...
Thanks to glorious Brexit we might be getting OUR 'ICONIC' blue passport back. Blue! It's blue, which is very important indeed. It was burgundy before and clearly much too French for this great island nation
"Wow this passport's fancy. Must have some kickass features. How many countries do you have the right to work in on this bad boy?"— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 22, 2017
"Huh. Still, blue though... Pretty fucking snazzy." pic.twitter.com/DrB14V2XI8
Speaking of which, I hope we finally start seeing those bent bananas again. I've been upset for a long, long while about that.
Blimey, once again this all went south really quickly. What now...
Hold tight for turkey whisperer.
For those of you with no imagination and should have done better already.
REVIEW OF THE WEEK.
We played the latest NERD album in the office this week. We listened and skipped through 5 songs. It's shit, isn't it?
I could watch that forever.
Erm... what else has happened?
Is Jingle Bells racist?
No famous has died yet but there is still time, let's hope it's not as rife as Last Christmas.
A Mexican fish mates so loudly it has been compared to a machine gun.
If you mate loudly, R&N want to hear from you in 2018. More details to come in the new year.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is This Week... done for Christmas! Only one painful reminder of the reason why you shouldn't be a twat remains...