This week we learned lots and lots and lots and lots.
“The collective noun for a group of UKIP lions is a pride and prejudice” – Twitter user
“84% of adults don’t wash their hands for long enough” – A study on humans from Scientists.
Elon Musk is the closest thing to a deity this godforsaken planet has, but by fuck the man can’t concentrate for shit.
Whilst you try and fail to wash your hands correctly, Elon Musk is getting his hands proper dirty by attempting to mold an alternative future for all of us — one that’s straight out of a sci-fi novel. Though it will probably remain unaffordable in our lifetime or before Trump/Jong-Un have shot their big red rocket load all over each other. Here’s what’s on his agenda...
He promises to make travelling from London to New York in 29 minutes possible — there is no fucking way he’s getting that idea past TFL.
He wants to send some people to Mars first — focus, Elon, focus!
He’s worried about a ‘killer robot’ arms race — who isn’t?
If he continues like this he’ll end up with no legacy, nothing, and probably writing one of these fucking things… But at least he wasn't upstaged by a traffic cone. Like this guy; the ‘toy cone inhaler’, Paul Baxter.
“Paul Baxter had some unexpected help retelling how a toy traffic cone was stuck in his lung for 40 years. He inhaled it by accident as a child. Decades later, it was finally removed by doctors after having a cough for over a year.”
What did you inhale as a child? We’re going to reveal what the R$N staff have been keeping in their lungs since childhood next week. Send us your photos to this address.
Other things you need to know before you give up on everything...
That's because they can afford all the god shit.
It's the killer that needs a fucking probing. FFS.
Right. Let’s all take a knee, it's time for a tea.
P.S. This article was written in loving memory of Bertie, Ukiyo and Missy.
See y'all next week!