This Week...Piers Morgan Doesn't Like You

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PIERS MORGAN DOESN'T LIKE YOU

News just in, Piers Morgan doesn't like you. Well, those of you reading this who are considered a 'millenial'. 'What a shame' I hear you cry, coming from the man who, if I was being very polite, would describe as a scented candle. He's full of hot air, his stench fills any room he's welcomed into, he's not so bright but for some unknown reason middle-class couples love them. If I wasn't being polite, I'd say he was a wanker.

In his regular column for the Daily Mail (I refuse to link you to the piece, the Daily Mail get enough hits already) he urged all young voters displeased at Trump's election win to stop wallowing in "self-induced mediocrity", and that every single living person aged between 18 – 34 were "kale-eating, twerking, snapchatting narcissists".

I'd like to spend just one day inside Morgan's mind. Nothing more, just to hear what internal monologue controls his thoughts from day to day. I'm sure he gives himself topless motivational speeches every morning in the bathroom mirror, screaming 'THE WORLD IS YOURS FOR THE TAKING PIERS' before punching the wall and making himself a bagel but like, REALLY angrily. He's got the personality of a demagogue but the societal status of a torched skip. He yearns for the day when he can call himself a pensioner because that is the day where he can ramp up his racism and for some reason, be excused for it because 'they don't know any better'. He probably needs to masturbate every 40 minutes just to release frustration, or scream into a pillow for the same desired effect. Also, I'm pretty sure the inspiration behind his entire model of ethics stems from that time he got turned down at a school disco aged 14.

Let's take Morgan's advice as a badge of honour. If in his world we're lazy because they didn't spend their youth hacking phones or creeping their way into Rupert Murdoch's inner circle then let's be lazy. Hell, snapchat this article while grabbing all the bags of kale you can get your hands on before twerking in celebration. It's the least we can do.