This Week…Junior Docs, Party Supplies & Everything Getting Worse
"I'm always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don't even take what I am seriously." – D. Bowie
"The truth is of course is that there is no journey. We are arriving and departing all at the same time." – D. Bowie
"I'm not a prophet or a stone aged man, just a mortal with potential of a superman." – Yes, more D. Bowie
Ooft, well this week has been a real downer hasn't it? While the news was book ended by the deaths of two British artistic icons the sandwich filler in the middle wasn't too uplifting either. Thankfully for your reading pleasure I've compiled some of the biggest talking points of the week in one conveniently depressing rundown to remind you on this sunny Friday afternoon that everything is terrible, and don't you forget it.
EARTH BECOMES A LITTLE WORSE
It's been a terrible week for the world of brilliant people. There have been many tributes shared for both David Bowie and Alan Rickman and, deservedly so, there will be many more but for now all I have is one simple request. If for some unknown reason David Attenborough is sat up in his bed trawling The Ran$om Note for endless gifs of cats and space listening to premiers of slo-mo baleric chuggers then I ask you but one thing. Please, cover yourself in bubble wrap until the week is over. Fill a bath to the brim with Oil of Olay anti-aging cream and don't leave until we give you the all clear. Place yourself in a cryogenic freezer alongside Walt Disney's head for all I care, just make sure you're safe as the world cannot take more heartache. Oh, and Michael Palin this goes for you too.
JUNIOR DOCTORS WANT MORE CASH
That old chestnut? Again? The people who continuously save our lives and tell us that everything's going to be ok after we ring 999 complaining we're going to die when actually all that's wrong is that we have heartburn after eating a double portion of chicken madras were on strike this week. Jeremy Hunt's proposed plans to make junior doctors work longer hours for no pay increase were put on hold in an act of defiance and solidarity that can only be described as 'lazy' by those who are wealthy enough to pay for private medical care. While at first I was sympathetic towards their views I quickly realised that I was plain wrong to do that as the BBC very kindly pointed out to me with various reports throughout the week of how patients have had their free operations postponed, and how a strike which is supposed to disrupt services to show you how valuable those services are has disrupted NHS services. I just find it sickening that while people are earning thousands a week delivering cloud-based services to tech start-ups these junior doctors are living the high life, meeting elephants and sometimes drinking champagne in their own homes as The Sun reassuringly pointed out this week. Whatever next?
WHITE PEOPLE WERE THE BEST ACTORS AND FILM MAKERS OF 2015
What are the odds eh? I really thought it would be a close call this year after films like Beasts Of No Nation and The Hateful Eight gave lead roles to actors and actresses of Ghanaian and Mexican descent but no, white people pulled it off again as the Oscars board failed to nominate one single person of colour for any of the top awards going at this year's cerimony. Wow seriously, this is so unexpected but I suppose I have to thank colonialism first and foremost. Not forgetting a special shout out to those old white bigots running this thing I see you out there and last but not least my parents, for if it wasn't for you I would not be white and standing up here receiving this award on behalf of an entire race.
AND FINALLY…OREGON MILITIAS RECIEVE PARTY SUPPLIES
In a display of affection that can only be described as heartwarming the Oregan militias currently siezing control of an empty federal building received a care package from avid supporters this week in the form of numerous dildos and a literal bag of dicks shown in the video below. Yes I'm sure they need a constant supply of food and water to keep their 'terrorism in the guise of patriotism' movement going but keeping a bunch of lonely, bored ranchers alone in the woods entertained is an act of patriotism in itself so for that, mystery donators, I salute you.
"I'm not a prophet or a stone aged man, just a mortal with potential of a superman. I'm living on."