This Week…Bake Off: An Erotic Novel Precursor


"Some people can get away with being very sexy to men and not looking like a complete cow." – S. Ellis Bextor 

"I think that she asked if she could touch my mango." – Simon from Blue

"Mrs Brown's Boys is pure genius." – M. Gove


The passing of time is inevitable and with that, this week saw the end of the Great British Bake Off. As the leaves fall from the trees and the seasons change, as the day recedes to night the GBBO hosts take refuge once again until next year (well, usually…).

After her annual feed of pastry good and virgin’s blood Mary Berry returns to her cryogenic chamber for another year. It keeps her young, her bones remain strong and her mind active as she honours her 1000 year deed to the BBC. It’s hard to believe sometimes that she is 856. While she is told by her colleagues “you don’t look a day over 400” there is a worry in their voice. “Please, let her sleep” they are saying, screaming in-fact, but with nobody there to listen their appeals fall on deaf ears. 

Paul Hollywood rides off into the distance on a Harley Davidson made of patchy facial hair and leather. As he lifts a pair of Oakley sunglasses from his breast pocket and places them on his face he turns to Brian May who’s sat in the sidecar reading a copy of Match. He runs his hands through his goatee and murmurs something about his boiler being broken. The wind dances through May’s moth-eaten locks as the ride the seemingly endless dreamland superhighway of the M18 which famously connects Rotherham to the M62 near Goole. May ponders, “well I guess you could say you’re in hot water” he remarks. Hollywood laughs, “if only” he replies before taking a swig of his Coke Zero. “You know what May, I can’t tell the difference” says Hollywood. “Nobody can”, responds May. Everybody knows that you can taste the difference of course, but for that brief second it doesn’t matter. In that fleeting moment the outside world is non-existent. 

After what feels like an eternity yet, an instant, they arrive at a quaint inn on the side of the road that refuses to serve Polish people. Paul takes off his bike helmet, it’s his favourite, it has a ‘Tap Out’ sticker on it. He loves fighting. Placing the helmet under his arm he unzips his jacket to reveal a pale blue shirt underneath a salmon sweater. May does the same to show a Queen t-shirt. Nobody likes Queen more than May. “Pint of the bitters” asks Hollywood. “I thought you’d never ask” responds May, and with that they enter to wait out the winter months…or until the Christmas special.

Mel and Sue are euthanised. There is no role for them in this world anymore. 





Comments are closed.