This Week… We’re The Worst


“You hear the music, and you start to think about your childhood, you start to think about your problems. You feel something, incredible things. This happens sometimes, for sure, with classic music, or when you are sober, when you are in a normal state of mind. But at this intensity, it can happen only with drugs.” – Ricardo Villalobos

"The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes." – Tony Blair

"Got more soul than a sock with a hole” – MF Doom


As a member of the media it's my responsibility, no my duty to admit that I am the worst. I'm dishonest, biased and I stamp on kittens on the regular. I'm a liberal elite, I share quotes from I, Daniel Blake while storing the copious amounts of cash I make from writing Buzzfeed lists in offshore bank accounts and the thongs of strippers. I once drank champagne but believe poor people should be treated fairly so by default, I'm a hypocrite who deserves to be called out as one by middle-aged men on Twitter whose profile picture is an egg.

I live in London so am out of touch with the real people of Britain like bakers from Preston or Paul Nuttall from Stoke…or Liverpool…or is he French? Did he really hijack the Hillsborough disaster for his own political gain or have I become so entrenched in my peddling of fake news that I don't understand what is real anymore? Is Joanna Lumley a sophisticated AI programme? Do Welsh people eat Angel Delight? Are all friends electric or are only Gary Numan's electric and if so, if I became his friend would I become electric too? 

Everything Donald Trump says about me is 100% correct and now, the guilt I feel from being a member of the Illuminati from my one bedroom flat in north London which I can barely afford is becoming too much. Do you know that Nigel Farage once saved the entire cast of Cats from a burning theatre before single-handedly toppling the Berlin Wall by giving it a fag and telling it to chill out? No, because I covered it up and instead portrayed him as an opportunist who would publicly support fascism if it was a British invention. Piers Morgan is right, JK Rowling is the worst but instead of spending my time decrying her existence it's been my life's work to portray Morgan as a melting Madame Tussaud's waxwork who can't get an erection until he listens to one of your mum's voicemails. 

Anyway, I'm sorry for destroying the fabric of our society all by myself. It won't happen again. 





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