This Week... The Benefits Of Losing Fabric

Commentary

"Chukjibeop! Chukjibeop! Fabric! Fabric!" – K. Jong-il

"I’m in the process of appointing a Night Czar to ensure London thrives as a 24-hour city, in a way that is safe & enjoyable for all. I think we can all learn from Kim." – S. Khan

"You can't threaten me, Martin. You're a big man, but you're out of shape. Although you could sit on me." – A. H. Wilson

After a ~~crooked~~ successful campaign by Islington council, condemned supported by the entire population of London and beyond, 250 jobs have been ~~disposed of by under the new regime of President Klang ALL HAIL PRESIDENT KLANG~~ made loads better somehow at our capital’s home of ~~hedonism~~ sodom fabric to make way for an exciting new redevelopment of housing that is far too expensive for you to afford you drug-addled scum.

Since the decision to revoke fabric’s license was made former electronic music enthusiasts have been abandoning the genre in their droves. Their black vests, USB controllers and Chocolate Puma back catalogues traded in for Nutribullet juicers and adult scooters. Cries of “it’s just so fucking repetitive” echoed through the streets of London as men and women unleashed from the shackles of the 808 hell we found ourselves in now walked with heads held aloft, free to live an All Bar One existence without the fear of Carl Cox breaking your knee caps for not liking progressive house.

We are no longer trapped within a cult lead by pedlars of music which isn’t The 1975, brainwashed by fake musical prophets who have never witnessed a seven hour Bruce Springsteen performance. Today, we are free. Free to wave through the window of Foxtons at our friend Marco who found us that lovely studio apartment in Battersea for £1500 each ppm excl. bills. We find our strength in Byron Burger and Mayfair bars where a bottle of beer from a brewery 3 miles away is £9.

Drugs now cease to exist and are a societal scar or national tragedy cemented in the past, like the sinking of the Titanic, the Black Plague, Bernard Manning or Mick Hucknall having had more sex than you. As a society we have evolved past the need for drugs, we no longer need pill based highs instead taking our gratification from waving £50 notes at homeless people and avoiding the type of scum who enjoy football. We now relish in the beige and dance to Cher Lloyd, come and join us.

In other news we lost a great cultural asset in another form this week. Sainsbury's why have you forsaken us? Have we not given you enough… We trusted you through the horsemeat scandal, we tolerate the glow of your ghastly orange uniforms, why take away the one thing which made us love you the most?

The taste the difference sandwich is no more… well, at least, it is no more for anyone who wants to spend $$$$$$ on a sandwich. By removing the range from the meal deal you have taken away the final piece of good in this world. A sad day for all. Rest in peace.

The Korean hotline got red-hot EVEN while typing this edition of THIS WEEK. Thankfully, our wonderful bill-paying Mister R$N said he didn't care what Kim Jong-il may think. And shared his publics thought with us on Facebook Live.