This Week… Aswad, The Dick Ripper And The Secret To A Longer Life

"God had to create disco music so I could be born and be successful" – Donna Summer

"Disco is music for dancing, and people will always want to dance" – Giorgio Moroder

"I'm a sucker for sad disco-pop" – Sophie Ellis-Bextor

"That whole disco vibe is not really my thing" – Tiesto

This Week… I'm fucking swamped, so this edition is going to be short, sharp, sweet and seductive, sassy, sanguine, smart, sneaky, sophisticated, strong, sweet and stylish. Come we go, fam.

A colleague of mine told me to include this high-brow quip about the weirdly blonde toupee'd President Of The Murica, Drump, which goes like this: "Double negatives are a big no-no."

Inquiry into ex-bishop and serial youth abuser, Peter Ball, reveals Prince Charles is a 'loyal friend' who occasionally gives him money. COOL

This woman who's 30 years older than the NHS and just three months younger than the RAF claims that her youthful looks are due to Stella Artois and Custard Creams. Sure.

A giant, bare-chested Jeff Goldblum has appeared in Central London. That's weird, eh?

Astronomers discover 12 new moons orbiting Jupiter. 12 NEW MOONS! That's almost as many new East London, rare groove, afro-beat DJs crop up per day.

Remarkable footage has been released of an uncontacted indigenous man who has lived alone in an Amazon forest for at least 22 years.

Now it's time for a quick interval, here's…

Mmm, lovely.

Would you go and see your favourite (living) artist/performer/band/idol perform as a hologram?

Answers, as always, to our email address: 100 Ransom Note Road, Atgmail, D07 60M

The future of live perfomance is rehearsed and recorded holographic performance. And if you don't like it then…

Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men? Well you're about to.

Which reminds me. I've been reading the hardback version of this cool autobiographical sci-fiction novel about a scary man-eating bird.

The worst music compilation to ever be created is NOW…100 editions old and somehow still going. Probably because people still write about it like me. Oops. NOW that's what I call PUBLICITY.

Fuck off.

Except for Hackney, whose council have voted to approve a strict new licensing policy. MUGS.

Fair fucking play. I can just about build a three-layered house of cards.

Have you heard the one about Israel banning Arabic as an official language?

Let's finish with a question for the weekend.

"What's so special about your approach to jazz?"

Nicolas Cage got nothin on this ghost rider