TONKA'S WEEK: THE RANSOM NOTE TOP 100 DJ POLL OF 2017

Voted for by YOU, the readers.

TONKA'S WEEK: THE RANSOM NOTE TOP 100 DJ POLL OF 2017

Voted for by YOU, the readers.

It's really weird not having the RA Poll this year, isn't it? I used to love quickly scrolling through and skimming the first ninety entrants and nodding seriously as I read the paragraph or two for each of the top ten, earnestly agreeing on why Ben UFO and Ricardo Villalobos and Dixon are fucking brilliant. They are, though, aren't they? Especially Ricky V.

There have been a load of po-faced cunts on social media since RA announced that they were stopping the poll to say how derivative it was for the scene anyway, and that they're glad the poll isn't going ahead this year because of how unfair it was and how it pushes up DJ fees, etc, etc...zzz...zzz...it's just a DJ poll. It's a fucking laugh. I hate it when people take this game seriously.

No, derivative isn't the word. That means to copy someone else. Hmm. Deprived? No. It's on the tip of my tongue, the word I wanted to use there, but I can't think straight. Sorry. You know what I mean, though? A word that means bad, and sounds like derivative. Whatever that word is, is what I meant to use when describing what everyone on social media was using to describe RA pulling the poll. Ooh. Naughty. Pulling the poll sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? LOLoutLOUD. What am I talking about again?

RA pulled their poll last week and I thought it would be 10% humorous if I did a poll on Ran$om Note to replace it *chuckles* Often, the least amount of thought that goes into a post makes it the least, no, most, interesting thing to read, and I'm hoping tha...fuck me, I'm boring myself here. Let's get on with the poll...voted for by YOU, the readers.


100. Mike Boorman

This daft cunt not only plays with toasters in the bath, but he also moves to Ibiza in the fucking WINTER to get DJ work. Fuck knows how that's going to work. Good luck to him, though. Mark Broadbent; do my mate a favour and get him playing at Pikes every week. Mike Boorman plays Balearic, classic vocal trance and classic vocal house. He's the loudest person I know.

99. Helen Alien

Helen Alien has a boring first name and a futuristic surname, the sure-fire sign of a good DJ. She's good, but she's not great anymore, unfortunately; hence the very low standing in this year's R$N Poll. She used to only play white label records, but I think she plays stuff that is already out in the shops nowadays. Upside down smiley face.

98. Tall Paul

First name that came to my head after writing about Helen Alien. The Tall Paul bookmark is STILL available from the WRDM Shop: WRDMerchandise

97. René Breitbarth

RA 138 will always hold a very dear place in my heart. It reminds me of being 28-years old and thinking that I was still in with a chance of getting a record deal with my inimitable brand of dull-as-fuck techno productions created on the £10 music creation software you can buy off one of them rotating shelves in Maplin's or Dixon's. I was listening to this podcast a lot back then. I'm scared to listen to it today in case it's actually fucking shit.

96. Mall Grab

95. Call Super

94. Optimo

93. Nicole Moudaber

92. Move D

(pronounced: Moved)

91. Black Coffee

90. DJ Office Manager

DJ Office Manager aka Alasdair King aka Ally Tropical aka McDJ McBeat McMaster aka Anti-Gabba equals getting people dancing. This Scottish DJ speaks with a Scottish accent, so you can't understand a BLEEDING word he's saying, but that's ok: he lets his DJing do the talking. 2018 will hopefully be the year of Ally Tropical, with slots at any R$N-involved party guaranteed, and with R$N spreading their/our wings and FLYING higher that they/we have ever flown before, 2018 will hopefully be the year of Ally Tropical because if there's one thing he does well, it's getting people dancing when he's DJing at a party or a nightclub. Know what I mean?

89. DJ Harvey

"89, dude!!!" is what Ted screamed at Bill during one of their films, and it's something everyone in the crowd at Ministry of Sound will be screaming the next time DJ Harvey is playing one of his house and disco sets there, which will be on Saturday 16 December for his XXX-Mas party with Young Marco and Jarvis Cocker. Tickets available here.

88. Young Marco

This daft cunt plays Christmas songs in the SUMMER and, I'm guessing, summer songs at CHRISTMAS, probably. I dread to think what Christmas will be like in the Young Marco household this year. Turkey, the Queen's speech and Despacito? I don't fucking think so. Stick some fucking Wizzard on. NOW.

87. Robert Hood

86. Konstantin

85. Barac

84. Erol Alkan

What do you mean, he's not as trendy as he was in 2004? This is fucking brilliant.

83. Sonja Moonear

82. Artwork

81. DJ Harvey

80. Chris Liebing

79. Lee Burridge

78. Dubfire

77. Scuba

It is very important to me that you know for certain that Scuba didn't sack me from writing the Hotflush daily blog in January this year; I left the Hotflush daily blog of my own choosing after suffering from "exhaustion" and "stress". Winking smiley face. I had a good year and a bit on Hotflush, and I don't want to sound vulgar, but they were very, very good to me, financially. I thank them a lot for that. I only wish that I'd dropped the names "Hotflush" and "Scuba" more regularly last year to gain more paid writing work, free drugs and pussy. Oh well. Shrug emoji. Hopefully, Visionquest or Crosstown Rebels will want a daily blog starting up in 2018 that I can take advantage of. Damian - get in touch, mate.

76. Lena something

Never heard of her.

75. Mike Servito

The Black Madonna's mate. Good DJ, wears a cap when he's in the booth like Tiga does. I think he has the same amount of real hair underneath his cap as Tiga does, too, if not more.

74. Roy Orbison

73. Bawrut

Baw fucking rut. Bawrut. Remember the name, because this cunt is about to BLOW UP, and not in a bad way. He's doing something for the new Fabric Friday thing in 2018, I think. I didn't read his Facebook post about it properly before Liking it. Bawrut was discovered by the scouts at Ran$om Note, so I hope he shows a bit loyalty to us when he's headlining Sonar and Glastonbury in a few years.

72. Kerri Chandler

Who says that women can't DJ? Not me. Kerri Chandler proves that women are JUST as good as the fellas on the ones and twos, and has been proving it for donkey's years. Keep it going, love, and who knows? maybe next year she'll crack the top 50....

71. Donato Dozzy

70. Archie Hamilton

Never heard of him.

69. Anne Savage

She once offered me a lift to Wigan.

68. Antal

67. Daniel Avery

66. Slam

Where's the Slam tent, etc, etc?

65. wAFF

64. Adriatique

63. John Digweed

He's got a LOT to thank his mate, Sasha, for. Know what I mean?

62. Loco Dice

Hip hop DJ turned techno thing.

61. Len Faki

Another example of a great DJ with a boring first name and a funny sounding surname.

60. Objekt

59. Roman Flügel

I honestly don't know what to make of him as a DJ. Never seen him live, never listened to any of his mixes. I only know his fucking brilliant productions. I wish that when I conducted this poll, I'd taken the time to seek out a few mixes by these DJs, because I'm honestly a bit fucking clueless as to why they are where they are in this poll. All I did was go around every club I've been to this year with a pad and pen, asking people who their favourite DJs are, and these are the results. I'm a bit fucking bored of typing all of this out now, so I might just skip to the top ten, or top five, maybe?

Fuck it, I'll do a few more and THEN skip to the top 5...

58. Prosumer

Prosumer looks like everyone. Disagree? You're wrong, and you're a grotesquely ugly freak.

57. Jackmaster

56. Skream

55. Eats Everything

54. The Barry House Section

53. Hot Since '82

52. The Martinez Brothers

51. Seth Troxler

50. Tony De Vit

Rest In Peace, Tony. I cannot let TdV ever be forgotten.

49. Surgeon

Another very good Tony from Brum.

48. Perc

Great bloke and a great DJ. I think if Tall Paul wasn't a famous DJ, and had already claimed the prefix, "Tall", I'm sure Perc would have called himself Tall Perc. He's not half tall!

47. Manni Dee

A big year for little Manni Dee. This guy LIVES for dance music and doesn't care if he's playing his records in a little, multi-room club like Corsica or a big, fuck off multi-room club like House of God, or any of the clubs he plays at abroad. I'm just listing DJs I've met in real life now and who I think are sound people, I mean, DJs who have polled in this year's R$N Top 100 Poll.

46. Motor City Drum Ensemble

You might think MCDE is an ensemble because of the name, but it's not; it's one moody looking bloke.

Fuck me, I'm bored now. Here's the top 5...no, 6, top 6...

No, hang on. Luke Solomon Likes quite a bit of my stuff on Twitter. I'll lob him in, and all.

45. Luke Solomon

Veteran of the scene and mega hat fan, Luke Solomon, plays his DJ sets like DJ sets are going out of fashion! Not only is it his job to DJ, but he always does so with the air of a man who enjoys his job. I've never seen him DJ, but I bet I'm right when I say that.

I don't know if he wears a hat when he plays, but it wouldn't be out of the ordinary if he did...would it, Tiga?

44. Ant and Decks

43. Bleaching Agent

What's the square root of industrial techno divided by gabba? Bleaching Agent.

I really am skipping to the top 6 now, fuck it.

6. Heartthrob

I like this bloke a lot. We have a lot of genuinely enjoyable banter on Twitter, and I'd like to have a drink with him the next time he's DJing in London. Jesse - get in touch and we can stand next to one another awkwardly in almost-silence in a club in London in the new year, huffing, puffing, smiling and saying things to one another like, "I like your Twitter stuff", and, "do you still DJ much with Magda?" before slowly turning away from one another to talk to people we are more comfortable with.

5. Ivan Smagghe

What do you mean, he's not as trendy as he was in 2004? The Black Madonna name-checked him in her interview for RA 600 this week, so FUCK OFF. Ivan Smagghe is not only a great DJ, he's a great man, with a great eye for a great jumper and a healthy enthusiasm for machetes and knives, so FUCK OFF. I'm very happy to say that we shared a bit of CONTENT REMOVED BY R$N LAWYERS together at Farr Festival this summer. I love him, but if I bumped him up to number 1, it would look too much like I was up his arse, so 5 it is.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

4. Ben UFO

Yet another example of a great DJ with a boring first name and a futuristic surname. Ben UFO is the ultimate DJ's DJ. He doesn't make any records in the studio, he only fucking plays records that OTHER PEOPLE have made, which makes him the ultimate DJ's DJ, I think. I saw Ben UFO walking through Hanger Hill Park (near Hanger Hill) with, I presume, his parents on Christmas Day last year. I was with my little boy, and I was about to go and say hello, but thought I'd best not pester him on Christmas Day.

Ben - if you're about this Christmas and fancy a beer, let me know. I live in Northolt.

3. The Black Madonna

Mike Servito's mate. The Black Madonna doesn't wear a cap, but she's just as good as Mike Servito and Tiga. Her RA 600 podcast this week is excellent, and I've nicked the INXS track she included for the 40th birthday party I'm DJing at on the 16 December and for the infamous NYE IN NORTHOLT house party I DJ at every year, at my house. There are eight or nine people coming this year. Talk about road block!!!!

2. Ricardo Villalobos b2b Dixon

Can you imagine if these two played a back to back set at Club Fabric? I'd definitely go to that. It would be beat after beat after beat after beat after beat. I literally can't imagine how many beats it would be if these two mad cunts played back to back all night, or, knowing them - Ricky V especially - all morning! I reckon that they would probably start their b2b set at around 9am and finish up around midday. It would be fucking bonkers.

There simply isn't another pairing in the DJ world that could compete if these two settled their differences and teamed up for a series of back to back gigs across the globe. Punters from Milan to Minsk would be dancing non-stop to their unstoppable brand of dance music, and who could blame them?! LOLoutLOUD. Come on, guys, get behind the decks and give us the ultimate Christmas present!!!

1. Regis

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