TONKA'S WEEK 2014 #6

"If anything, Im a bit bored of Daft Punks voice. I dont think they complement Pharrell smooth, gangsta-rap flow, and Im not being funny but Chromeo have been using that robot voice since about 2006"

TONKA'S WEEK 2014 #6

"If anything, Im a bit bored of Daft Punks voice. I dont think they complement Pharrell smooth, gangsta-rap flow, and Im not being funny but Chromeo have been using that robot voice since about 2006"

? That new Pharrell Williams and Daft Punk song was being wanked over by everyone this week except me. I think its alright but everyone keeps saying that Gust of Wind is the new Get Lucky, I dont think it is though. When I first heard Get Lucky I thought it was fucking shit, it took me ages and a lot of people telling me how good it is for me to realise that its actually a fucking brilliant pop song. When I listened to Gust of Wind the other night it just came across as slightly draughty (!). LOLoutLOUD.

 

If anything, Im a bit bored of Daft Punks voice. I dont think they complement Pharrell smooth, gangsta-rap flow, and Im not being funny but Chromeo have been using that robot voice since about 2006 so, err, guys, Guy, stop singing and stick to French filter, eh? Ive got no proper opinion on Gust of Wind and thats why its shitter than Get Lucky.
 


 

? My tickets arrived for the We Concur launch party at Crucifix Lane this week.  I mean my tickets arrived this week, not that the party is this week. The We Concur launch party is next week, not this. It was just my tickets that arrived this week. The We Concur launch party with Mano Le Tough, Clockwork, Mind Against and Job Jobse at Crucifix Lane is on Saturday 8 March. The party is in the club called Crucifix Lane, not in the actual lane, Crucifix Lane which coincidently is also the name of the club, Crucifix Lane. Crucifix Lane is on Crucifix Lane in Southwark, South London and Ill be there with my big notepad and pen scrutinising the evening before summarising my findings in a review on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music, my website.

Im predicting an easy 8/10 because the venue, line-up, promoter and date (one week after pay day) are fucking brilliant and together they make this a sure-fire hit. Ive been put on the guest list for this event.

BUY TICKETS HERE: r$n-tickets/we-concur
 

Studio 338:

? Speaking of launch parties, the opening party for the all-night terrace at Studio 338 opens tomorrow night and yours truly (me) has been invited and put on the guest list. West Broms fixture with Sunderland has been postponed due to Sunderland contesting the League Cup Final on Sunday. This means that West Brom wont be on Match of the Day on Saturday night, so Im definitely going to go and get fucked in Greenwich. Spacedub play host to 1600 punters, MK, Kevin Big Fun Saunderson and Kate Simko, who, apart from the 1600 punters, will all be spinning discs at this lovely Greenwich venue from 9pm until 7am in the morning.

I went to Studio 338 for SecretSundaze last year with Teshnos Kristan J Caryl and had a great time. We got pissed on Becks, listened to Omar-S and talked about deep house, butchers meat and why our websites are so brilliant all night.

BUY TICKETS HERE: RA/Spacedub
?

? I got my claws out this week and savaged the very worst of this weeks dance tracks on my world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music website. Only one of the releases scored favourably on my famous Out of Ten system, the rest were put to the sword by a series of catty remarks and sarcastic similes. As part of my Journey to Success: Get Rich or Die Trying, Im aiming to be invited to guest review the songs in The Guardian Guide one Saturday. Thats why Im practising and reviewing so much music at the moment; I think my sideways view of the world and irreverent underground dance reputation would sit perfectly with The Guardian Guides editorial ambitions. Whos with me?

https://d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net/books/1276075205l/8427779.jpg
 

? I watched that Nymphomaniac film the other day. I dont know why everyone bangs on about how sexy and graphic it is. Im not being funny but you can watch sexier and more graphic clips on YouFuck, WhiteJizz.com or UK Slags (Sky channel 669). I watched a clip on PornTube called Shy Ginger Shaven Teen Bi-Sexual Babysitter Busts Cherry with the Next Door Neighbours Son, his Friends, her Lesbian Home-Schooler and the Plumbers Mate. On Shy Ginger Shaven Teen Bi-Sexual Babysitter Busts Cherry with the Next Door Neighbours Son, his Friends, her Lesbian Home-Schooler and the Plumbers Mate you could see it go fully in, you could see all the holes and every time one of the blokes finished you could see them splatter it all over her face, boobs, bottom and slot. When the plumbers mate released himself inside of her there was a lingering close-up shot of her bum so that you could see it all dribble out again.

You dont get any of that in Nymphomaniac so Id recommend boycotting that film, save yourself the MASSIVE money it costs to go and see it at the cinema and have a quiet night in with your laptop. Were in the middle of a fucking credit crunch, lets be honest with ourselves.

 


?

? Saturday night in Birmingham.

- Do you take card, love?

- No, bab. Proper money only.

- Thank fuck for that, come on Drapes.
?

I almost went to House of God with Draper on Saturday night. He got me drunk in a Digbeth boozer that looked like a crooked house and persuaded me to come to HoG for a bit, but I didnt have enough cash on me. I was up in the midlands to see my Nanny Kath whod taken a nasty fall the other week. Shes getting on now and you have to keep yourself visible as they reach the end, dont you? A little phone call here and a friendly visit there makes sure that your elderly nan or granddad will pay you some mind when it comes to deciding where the money goes when they peg it. Ive got two little sisters; me and the middle one see Nanny Kath regularly whilst my youngest sister hardly sees her and never calls. Im very interested to see if our share of the cash gets distributed equally between the three of us when Nanny Kath goes to Heaven. Needless to say, Ill be fuming if it does.
 

I had to be round Nanny Kaths hospice house at 8am on Sunday morning. If Id have gone to House of God on the Saturday night Id have turned up at my Nans looking like a fucking fly and feeling like Jeff Goldblum in that film, The Fly, after hed turned into a fly. I love House of God (see last weeks Tonkas Week) but my financial future rests on my Nanny Kath liking and remembering me enough to leave me her money when the Grim Reaper sweeps her off her feet and takes her to a better place.

House of God will be celebrating 22 years in 2015 and Ill be there, unless its the weekend of my Nans funeral.
 

Job Jobse:

 

??Tonka is the sole writer for the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music
If you've not already, check WRDM in its entirety on the link just above here. 
TWITTER: @tonkawrdm
FACEBOOK: KOOBECAF

COMMENTS