? My only gripe with slapstick porn is that its very difficult to sit through a scene without falling about laughing. I was deep into my stroke with the straight-to-DVD film, Lauren and Hard On - Your Darn Tootin Purple Helmet, when halfway through the double anal scene, the pounding that Lauren is taking causes the kitchen work surface to shake. A bag of flour falls from one of the cupboards onto the nearby plank of wood resting on the Black and Decker Workmate. This tips the plank of wood over, smacking the back of Ollies head, causing three little dicky birds to circle his dome. James Fingerson gets the blame and the scene descends into a wild chase through a dancehall as an unsatisfied Lauren lays face down in the flour, eye-balling the camera with one hand resting under her chin, the other casually bringing herself to climax with a long-suffering expression on her face.
Whilst incredibly funny, its not the best stuff to watch on the horn. After regaining full bone I switched onto interracial BBW strap-on lesbians and was shamefully pulling my trousers back up in no time. Winking smiley face.
? The Resident Advisor Poll has bowled up again. It only seems like yesterday that my votes for Ricardo Villalobos and Modeselektor were dispatched, yet here I am about to brave the cold and battle down to the local primary school to sketch an X beside the names of Ricardo Villalobos and Modeselektor again.
My moles have alerted me to a new wheeze on Twitter. Some scallywag has decided to drum up support for Jon of the Pleased Wimmin to win this year! Unfortunately, RA has actually shown little regard to the UKs foremost glam, hard and hand-bag DJ. Jon is unlikely to win anything this year as she is neither shortlisted nor available as an option when you try to add her name manually. The cheek!
? Speaking of Jon of the Pleased Wimmin. Motor yourself back to 2011 and read a classic article by me on the subject of lady DJs. Theres a cracking Jon of the Pleased Wimmin anecdote in there. Jump in my DeLorean now: wrdm5
? Every other city I go, every other video, no matter where I go, I see women who look like Jay out of Jay and Silent Bob. Is it the fashion now for young ladies to wear their hair long, straight and unwashed? Are drab, grey jeans now an attractive feature? Is it cool to hide a beautiful head of hair (washed or not) underneath a scruffy black hat and skulk around in army fatigues (again)? Birds these days do look dreary. Come on, ladies, snap out of this View Askewniverse phase quick-smart and whack on the nice dresses and heels again. Us men dont want to look at versions of our teenage selves on the streets, do we? Eh, lads? Eh?
Dont get mad, Im only being real.
? Can you imagine what Ben Folds Five would sound like if they actually were a five piece? My dear friend, Draper, and I sang along to Bad Idea in the car yesterday. I tapped my fingers on the wheel to the beat and Draper slapped his thighs with the full palms of his hands in a waltz arrangement whilst humming. Did it sound good? It didnt sound bad. As far as I know, Ben Folds Five have not been remixed by anyone yet. Ben, if youre reading this get in touch and we can talk.
? Ben Klock is a charmer. Not content with getting off with Nina Kraviz every day and smouldering behind the decks at Boiler Room and Berghain each week, hes now secured National Treasure status by playing the theme to Grandstand during one of his techno sets at The Liquid Room in Edinburgh. If you dont know the story, the boys at Being Boiled (or girls nobody knows who they are) kicked off their YouTube channel with a video depicting a hypothetical scene at Boiler Room where one of the DJs is playing a good piece of music; in this instant Theme from Grandstand (Dub) by Keith Mansfield. The high concept and expert execution of the video captured the publics imagination and soon became an over ground viral sensation. I had it on good authority from the start that Ben loved it and, as if to cement his and Being Boileds place in modern history, he repaid the favour and played Theme from Grandstand (Dub) by Keith Mansfield for real in an actual club.
Some people have been saying that Ben Klock has turned the tables and poured the prank back all over Being Boileds head, theyre wrong. He hasnt. As far as I can see, this whole episode has been mutually beneficial and no scores have been settled either way. Being Boiled followed up the Ben Klock video with a 12 mix and a new video portraying an imaginary vision of Boys Noize playing a track that people dont have to pretend to like after being hyped up to an unhealthy degree with ribbons, hooters and smiley face placards.
Personally, I prefer the Boys Noize video to the Ben Klock one. Its subtle and I've heard that this is their final ever shred, hence the melancholic music. Im looking forward to seeing what they come up with next. Come on, guys! Dont keep us waiting (although I am prepared to wait if the quality is as consistently good as it has been so far).
? I attended Red Bull Revolutions in Sound on the London Eye last week for my website, the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music. What a night! In short I got drunk, I met a bloke from Mixmag, I met a bloke from The Times, I missed the boarding for the Twice as Nice capsule, I almost wet my trousers, I screamed and slurred in the ear of one of the Boiler Room hosts on their capsule, I had my picture taken with Andy Daniell and I almost got off with Lily Allen. Read all about it in detail here: wrdm26
Ben Folds Five Bad Idea:
Jon of the Pleased Wimmin Passion (Live on The Word):
James Finlayson, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy: