TONKA'S WEEK 2014 #3

"Squashing a six foot inflatable palm tree through the Liverpool Street station electronic turnstiles whilst carrying a massive, antique leather suitcase would be a challenge for anyone when sober."

TONKA'S WEEK 2014 #3

"Squashing a six foot inflatable palm tree through the Liverpool Street station electronic turnstiles whilst carrying a massive, antique leather suitcase would be a challenge for anyone when sober."

? Squashing a six foot inflatable palm tree through the Liverpool Street station electronic turnstiles whilst carrying a massive, antique leather suitcase would be a challenge for anyone when sober. Unfortunately for me, I was absolutely fucking terminated on beer and I had the chorus to Forgot About Dre splashing around my head. Id been to Musical Bingo (the original one, not the lazy bootleg one) and after volunteering to help load the van at chucking out time I was left standing alone on Shoreditch High Street holding two loud props. Off sped the owners in their Mystery Machine.

 

Me being Tonka, a potentially embarrassing situation was rode out with panache. I strode towards the top of the escalators with the palm tree under my right arm, and with a friendly whistle I threw the suitcase down the central divide, making all around me gasp. The plastic palm tree followedwith me sat on the trunk, riding the fucker like a bucking bronco! I winked at every single fit looking bird I passed on the way down and landed on the suitcase with a chuckle. I stood up slowly, dusting my shoulders, and made my way towards the Central line tube to West Ruislip.

 

 

Only a few hours earlier I was having the time of my life at Concrete for Musical Bingo. I crossed off songs by The Beatles, NWA, Monolake, Jeff Mills, Dr Dre, David Bowie, Arcade Fire, The Clash and ODB. I won nothing but still had a great time, it was weird. During the night, I had a chat with the owner of Musical Bingo who EXCLUSIVLEY revealed that Musical Bingo will next be held inside Paradise at 19 Kilburn Lane (TONKA TRIVIA I used to live at 119 Kilburn Lane) on Thursday 6 February. Go there and dont, under any circumstances, waste time and money going to ANY OTHER incarnations of Musical Bingo because Musical Bingo is The Original and best, and Im not just saying that because some of my oldest friends are involved in the management and day-to-day running of the organisation.

 

Jonny, Ive got your palm tree

 

? Thank fuck for them Baby On Board stickers! Id had a few drinks and was driving home from The Black Horse in Greenford, all cocky because I was listening to that new Tony Lionni mix on DJBroadcast whilst thinking about how fucking brilliant I am. Tooling up and down UB6 in my big, blue Skoda Fabia; mad question asking, blunt passing, music blasting, I was THAT fucked. The only thing that stopped me smashing into the back of a big, green people-carrier was the Baby On Board sticker plastered to the inside of the back window. If that wasnt hung up, I was more than prepared to put me and whoever it was driving the car in front into body bags for the rest of our lives. In fact, sober or not, the only thing that stops me bumping the cars in front is them Baby On Board stickers. Know what I mean? I crash into everyone unless they have a Baby On Board sticker.

 

Dinky Xanex

 

? The album of 2013 was, for me, Dimension D by the Acid in the Fridge singer, Dinky. It got me through the long, late summer months; especially the Xanex track. This week I was very excited to overhear a conversation in The Star by Hackney Downs regarding the paragraph you are currently reading. Two bearded young men in matching plaid whispered not quite quietly enough about how Visionquest have commissioned the release of Xanex as a single, complete with remixes by Tuff City Kids and former Rocker singer, the German mix-master with an Italian-sounding name, Roman Flgel. How they knew that Ill never know but Im more than happy to let you in on the secret. Winking smiley face.

 

Im pretty sure that they said the release date is Monday 17 February 2014 and will be available to buy from all good record shops, online and off.

 

Dinky, how about answering my MASSIVE QUESTIONS on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music, eh? Eh?

 

? If Ruby Tandoh is on the front page of Saturdays Guardian AGAIN this weekend Ill tut even louder than I have done every Saturday for the last thirteen or fourteen weekends. You would, yes, you definitely would but I honestly dont know why she has to be on the cover every fucking weekend and I honestly dont know why it annoys me as much as it does. Newspapers try to coax the lads in with fit looking birds on the front page all the time but you dont start reading The Guardian until youre about 24 or 25, and by that time youve got enough about you to buy a paper for whats inside it.

 

Plus, there are better looking women than Ruby Tandoh in certain magazines who actually strip off! Open your minds, lads.

 

 

? WRDMFM is now in pre-pre-pre-production. I have been promising podcasts for almost a year now so Im very happy to announce that the very first WRDMFM podcast is now being written, cast and thought about properly as a concept and as a finished product, with involvement from sponsors, contributors, legal teams, me and kind studio/office space lenders all being finalised over the coming weeks and weekends, although WRDMFM is not something Im able to properly explain until its out there on iTunes and, while I am not contractually bound to anybody yet, I can say NOW that there will be a flavour of both the Weekly Review of Dance Music and Ran$om Note in the finished product, notwithstanding involvement from external interested parties and potentially the paying public. I am trying very hard right NOW to make WRDMFM as professional as possible, one that will be financially beneficial to me and to all those involved, AND it will be a brilliant thing to download for YOU.

 

Journey to Success: Get Rich or Die Trying continues.

 

? I was watching Glasgow Kiss: Homeless and Horny again this week. Its great when you have a film you can watch over and over again, isnt it? Its a Wonderful Life is a film that also falls into that category. As is MallratsMallratsIts a Wonderful Life and Glasgow Kiss: Homeless and Horny all share that special shelf in my head. I love the scene in the soup kitchen when Sonny Boy rips off the shocked charity workers tartan mini-skirt to reveal that she was without knickers and slowly licks her out whilst Granny Murray tosses his salad. That scene ends wonderfully well and I doubt that the producers of the film pre-warned Granny Murray that her bum was going to get battered by a cock that big! You can actually see her gulp and angrily look beyond the camera before clambering onto her hands and knees in a huff, knocking cardboard boxes and Tesco carrier bags out of the way.

 

? I have been the envy of the underground for years. This bookmark is why. Im going to read The Record Players: DJ Revolutionaries by Bill Brewster and Frank Broughton next.

 

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?Tonka is the sole writer for the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music
If you've not already, check WRDM in its entirety on the link just above here. 
TWITTER: @tonkawrdm
FACEBOOK: KOOBECAF

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