TONKA'S WEEK 13.11.15

Let’s crush the credit crunch. Let’s get right behind the J-Man.

TONKA'S WEEK 13.11.15

Let’s crush the credit crunch. Let’s get right behind the J-Man.

< > It’s my birthday on the 30th November, ladies and gentlemen. Put it in your EastEnders calendar. I’m going to be thirty five. Thirty fucking five. I honestly thought I was going to be twenty three forever.

If you’re wondering what to buy for me, I wouldn’t mind one of them toy lightsabers (a blue one like Luke’s in the first one), the Robin Hood: Sherwood Forest Treehouse Lego set, the new Crash Test Dummies album, the West Brom 2016 calendar, Super Wrestlemania for the SNES, Power Rangers Super Megaforce Q-Rex Megazord and a ticket for Darkroom with Helena Hauff at Dance Tunnel.

– …(whisper, whisper)

– What’s that? They’ve sold out of tickets for Darkroom with Helena Hauff at Dance Tunnel?

– …(whisper, whisper)

– What’s that? There will be 50 tickets on the door, so I should get there early?

– …(whisper, whisper)

– What’s that? Doors open at 10pm, so try and get there a little earlier to avoid disappointment?

– …(whisper, whisper)

– What’s that? Because it’s so close to my birthday, the promoters will even provide a cake, candles, card and an energetic Happy Birthday sing-a-long from all those involved in the night? Brilliant!

< > Dunga dunga dun dun dun dun durrrrrr! I’m going to drink myself 愚か on Saturday night, fellas.
- Why, Tonka?
- Well, I’ve been invited along to Night Tales in Shoreditch to have a look at their new winter wonderland eight week set piece; Tokyo Nights.

Tokyo Nights is at Red Market on Old Street (until 19 December), directly opposite a barbershop I got my hair cut in once, and they’ve done the whole place up to look like a real Japanese city. If you 1) open up Internet Explorer on your computer, 2) type into the web address bar followed by 3) into the search bar that Google then provides you with, it should take you to a website where it tells you that the team at Night Tales have taken inspiration from some of Tokyo’s best restaurants and cocktail bars, local markets and famous districts to deliver a real and authentic interpretation of the city (alternatively, you can skip step 2 by inputting into the web address bar after opening up Internet Explorer).

I can’t afford to go abroad at the moment, let alone Tokyo, so this is the best I can hope for. As well as loads of sake, I’ll also be hoping to buy a Neo Geo, a talking robot watch that you can wear on your little finger, an iPod that is not out in Europe until 2018 and a Kabuki face mask. If they don’t sell any of that at Tokyo Nights, I’ll just buy loads of Sake. Apparently, Richie Hawtin has personally curated the Sake bar and stuffed it full of stuff you’d struggle to get anywhere else outside of Japan. I’m as excited Richie Hawtin’s face in the above photo.

One thing’s for sure though, after tomorrow night, they’ll be calling it TONKYO Nights! LOLoutLOUD.

< > It turns out that Russia have been cheating in athletics since the beginning of time. So what? I couldn’t give a toss, could you? As a spectator, I’m all for athletes taking performance enhancing drugs because, correct me if I’m wrong, but we, the ticket paying public, want to see enhanced performances from the people we’re paying out our HARD earned money to come and see run around and jump on things. The only athletes I’ve seen moaning in the news this week are the ones who came fourth and are now making fools of themselves and saying they deserve bronze medals left, right and centre. They should all be taking drugs, know what I mean? No excuses then.

I don’t even like athletics, it’s fucking boring. I only watch the Champions League, the World Cup, the European Championships, West Brom games, karate tournaments and Class of ’92 on BBC2.

< > Although I’ve not been asked to speak at next week’s Take Note Educational Music Conference on Saturday 21 November, I’m still going to travel from Northolt to have a look at what’s going on. It’s at Second Home in London (course it is), and there'll be over forty dance music industry people there speaking about themselves and giving solid gold advice to hundreds of wide-eyed and impressionable ticket holders from all over east London who are GAGGING for some industry inside knowledge.

I’ll be sauntering about making gun shapes with my hands and winking at the likes of Ali Love (artist / Hot Natured / Infinity Ink / Chemical Brothers), Duncan Dick (editor, Mixmag), Nick Sabine (co-founder, Resident Advisor), Roni Size (DJ / producer / live act / label owner: Full Cycle), Becky Tong (co-founder, Juicebox / Radio Plugger), Melissa Maouris (founder, Maouris PR), Huw Owen (producer, BBC Radio 1's Essential Mix) and many, many other pals of mine.

I will also be seen wringing my flat cap in my hands and apologising to Kate Hutchinson (Deputy Editor, the Guardian Guide), tripping over my words whilst trying to explain that the mint choc chip anecdote she read last year was not JUST what I’m all about.

< > I've almost finished my official remix of Poppin' Tags by Jay-Z, there's a preview clip on my Facebook page. Poppin' Tags is my joint favourite Jay-Z song (along with Fuck All Nite), so I was fucking ecstatic when Damon Dash sent me a DM on Twitter to ask if I'd be interested in providing a remix for the upcoming 13 year special edition anniversary CD of The Blueprint 2: The Gift & The Curse.

It's called Tonka's Reggae Remix because I originally wanted to make a reggae version of Poppin' Tags, but then I remembered that I only pretend to like reggae when I'm trying to impress fit Jamaican women I'm trying to bang, so I scrapped the concept and fell back into techno (I'm not ALL about minimal hard house, lads. And anyway, techno is just hard house minus the claps or snares on the 2 and 4).

Poppin' Tags (Tonka's Reggae Remix) by Jay-Z is out on Roc-A-Fella on December 4th.

< > On Sunday, Jez We Can laid a wreath at the cenotaph in London with a concealed smirk on his face, disrespectful side-eyes on his audience, and performed what is called in the industry a 'technical bow'. Then, on Wednesday, he went to Buckingham Palace to see the Queen to get sworn into her vault. Did he kneel before her? Did he fuck. Chewing gum and with his hands in his pockets, he swaggered towards Our Liz and, with disrespectful side-eyes seeking out any view but that of our monarch's gaze, he accepted admission to her secret society, that famous smirk plastered all over his mouth.

I fucking love this dude. He literally couldn't give a fuck about anything other than being a rebel and a menace to the sausage brained bozos in Wapping who print things like, JEZZA NOW NO BOW WOW FURY and JEZ WE CAN'T BECAUSE HE WON'T KNEEL IN FRONT OF THE QUEEN and CORBYN CAGED AND CUFFED and CAMERON NEEDS TO FUCKING NAIL THIS DISRESPECTFUL CUNT FOR NOT BOWING, SINGING GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND KNEELING PROPERLY LIKE WHAT THE REST OF US DO ALL THE TIME.

Let’s crush the credit crunch. Let’s get right behind the J-Man. Until next week. Goodbye.