TONKA'S BUMPER WEEK

Tonka's back with a bumper edition taking in Vauxhall dancing, Jamiroquai solving all the world issues, Lamy pens, DJ Mag Top 100, Dave Clarke's promiscuity, Super Hornio Bros and where he'll be signing autographs this weekend...

TONKA'S BUMPER WEEK

Tonka's back with a bumper edition taking in Vauxhall dancing, Jamiroquai solving all the world issues, Lamy pens, DJ Mag Top 100, Dave Clarke's promiscuity, Super Hornio Bros and where he'll be signing autographs this weekend...

? I dont often dance around Vauxhall for obvious reasons, but I will be (dancing) down there (Vauxhall) tomorrow night. The Random Magic Halloween Special with Omar S, Futureboogie, Horse Meat Disco vs Classic, DJ Dan Beaumont, an Optimo all-nighter and Honey Dijon at Fire have made resistance futile. I cant imagine waking up sober on Sunday morning knowing that, instead of tucking into a delicious bacon, sausage and egg sandwich with brown sauce whilst watching Andrew Marr, I could be crushing and hoovering the last of the ecstasy up my nostrils to a background of old Dave Clarke CDs and the chatter of a dozen strangers in my living room.

 

As for the preceding nine hours at Fire? Very much looking forward to catching up with my dear friends Severino, Dan Beaumont and one of the Optimo brothers (I forget which one) over an abundance of Tia Maria and Coke with, you guessed it, pork scratchings. Music wise, its a very well-known fact that its physically impossible for Omar-S to play a shit set. See you there, guys!

 

? I keep reading this week about people shooting guns and dying in a country called Syria. Im not being funny, but if Tony Blair and Barack Obama really want to stop all that silliness abroad they could do worse than piping the song Too Young To Die by Jamiroquai onto the Syrian FM airwaves tomorrow morning. Check out Jay Kays rap and argue with me that the General of Syria, Assad, wont open his eyes to himself and sort his subordinates out whip-smart before more bloodshed is shed.

 

All gone when they drop the bomb

Can the politicians reassure?

'Cos here I am presuming that

Nobody wants a war

There's so many people praying

Just to find out if they're staying

But lately stately governments

And disillusioned leaders

So full of empty promises

But rarely do they feed us

Put our backs against the wall

Or don't we count at all?

 

Can you decide?

Are you mesmerised

Do you know which side you're standing?

Cos when it falls gonna take us all

Gotta know what we're demanding

I never lie

Cant you hear the cry

Coming from on high?

WE'RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE

 

When will western governments realise that the everyday people of you and me dont want to turn on the telly and watch countries weve never heard of being splattered? Send some acid jazz to the world and we can enjoy the outburst of slip-slidin dance moves replacing Neo Nazi boot-stamping. Its that fucking simple.

 

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? Allow me to apologise for last Fridays no-show on Ran$om Note. My lime green Lamy fountain pen ran out of ink and I was BANG out of cartridges, which is no excuse seeing as I type these articles up on a black Samsung Windows 8.1 laptop in Microsoft Word 2010! Still, Im allowed a day off from time to time.

 

? Does it not strike you as odd that Tony De Vit has been omitted from the DJ Mag Top 100 DJ list of the year award ceremony on Twitter once again and for the umpteenth year in a row this week? Could they not find a space for Jon of the Pleased Wimmin or DJ Mark Moore? Boy George tops off a wonderful 2013 by headlining Inception at the LA Exchange this weekend but DJ Mag dont see fit to include him in the same company as Felguk, Coone and Bob Sinclair? Im not a conspiracy theorist and I can spot a homophobe from across the street, glasses on my cheeks or not. *Innocent face*

 

Why do we need an office full of twenty two year old trance fans telling the world who the best DJs are anyway?

 

? Super Hornio Brothers 1 and 2 arrived on my Welcome mat on Tuesday. I hurriedly gave my WRDM staffers the afternoon off and ushered all six of them out of the door. I settled down for a post meridiem of video game pornoparodyography. Its a blessed relief pardon the pun that this release pardon the pun has finally been given a Blu-ray, or should I say blue ray, entry pardon the pun onto the top shelf of my local WHSmith.

 

My one gripe, having watched the films back-to-back several times now, is that I cannot for the life of me understand the need for a slap bass accompaniment to the Princess Peach kidnap bukkake scene in Bowsers Castle with Wario, Bowser, Luigi, two Koopa Troopers, a Chain Chomp and Shy Guy. This film was made in 1993, not 1973! Either use the original Super Mario music in a different key or just use the incidental music to link scenes. Slap bass makes me laugh, which is not good for doing you know what to your what you call it! Winking smiley face.

 

Also, can somebody please tell me what Luigi was doing splashing Peachs face with sticky white lava when he should have been helping her escape?!

 

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? Speaking of bukkake, Ive just read a headline on Resident Advisor that says; Im not interested in having sex with random people Dave Clarke Interview. I wont read the rest of the article because that attitude amongst certain modern-day DJs appals me. Call me old fashioned, but I grew up during the marvellous Super DJ and Super Club years where artists such as Jeremy Healy and Fatboy Slim would demand blow jobs and snogs on their riders, on top of the cocaine, Rolex watches and champagne. They knew they had it made and they made the most of having made it.

 

I remember watching, open-mouthed and, Im not ashamed to say, applauding as Stan Collymore poured a bottle of Verve Cliquot all over the head of Jo Guest immediately after a trouser-less Tall Paul had high-fived a half-naked Judge Jules across the bare back of an eager young lady punter.

 

This was Chuff Chuff in 1995 and a teenage Tonka (me) had snuck in under the legs of my moustachioed school friend, Draper, and beneath the shield of my dads ankle-length Ralph Lauren overcoat not authentic, unless horses in 1995 had six legs.

 

As an artist, be you in the music industry or in the one where you paint for a living, your duty is to fuck all and sundry, live recklessly, die young and live life to the MAX until you die young. Do that or get an office job you ungrateful, swivel-eyed wankers. Whos with me?

 

? Have I mentioned that Ill be signing copies of my blog, the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music on Saturday night? If you can travel to Vauxhall in London and go to Fire for the Random Magic Halloween Special with Omar-S, etc, do so. Ill be in the Optimo room, sat down at a Union Jack trestle-table with my lime green Lamy fountain pen in hand ALL NIGHT LONG. Join me

 

Jamiroquai Too Young To Die

 

Cream

 

Omar-S Ready My Black Asz

 

Super Hornio Brothers

 

Tonka is the sole writer for the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music
If you've not already, check WRDM in its entirety on the link just above here. 
TWITTER: @tonkawrdm
FACEBOOK: KOOBECAF

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