Thursday 8 June 2017. Put that date in your diary NOW, because that’s the day we REALLY get our country back, ladies and gentlemen.
Whenever I feel depressed, hopeless and unable to come to terms with how my life should actually be lived, I like to sit down, stare at the wall for a couple of hours and then start punching myself in the stomach.
I watched Rear Window the other night and let everyone on Facebook know I was watching it.
Was Martin McGuiness a goodie or a baddie?
I’m just rebelling against myself at the moment.
World Book Day should be renamed World Social Media Competitive Parent Day.
And no offence to all of my R$N colleagues, but Tonka has always been the most interesting – and capable – writer on the site, and it looks like I’m now movin’ on up..
Who's running critically low on mental energy and is seriously contemplating jacking in writing due to over-work?
I’m going to crawl through THIS computer screen, slither all over your keyboard, land on your lap and then reanimate into a panther and eat you alive.
I will just say, in MY opinion, Celebrity Big Brother, and everyone in it, is FAR LESS try-hard than the new KLF poster.
It’s fucking easy being Tonka...
Is this sorry piece of introspection for real, or is it a badly done parody of something a teenage TWAT might write on a shit blog?
Alright Kev... Thanks for your email, mate. Long time, no chat.
What the fuck is wrong with someone wanting to build a wall? We’ve got a 7’ fence in our back garden so that we don’t have to look at Smiley and Gemma wailing the fuck out of their kids every Saturday afternoon.
I then remembered what my brand is and went on social media to slag off the entire event and everyone who came to it.
There’ll also be a roly poly stripper, loads of good tunes, a blue comedian who HATES ethnic minorities and a healthy dose of smoke.
My Super Mario pyjamas were fucking soaked. With sweat. My sweat. And rain. God's rain.
I like the sound of Mike Hookem. He’s giving it the British big ‘un in front of the faceless, boring suits in Switzerland, or wherever the fuck Brussels is. What a dude.
"I love doing ecstasy in shops."
"I would not be speaking to you if you were in the industry, it's full of bigots as I have now realised. I like the fact that I'm not sure of your existence. People exist too much anyway."
Just get Gazza fronting the Go Sober for October campaign and it’ll be more believable.
We can't let decades of paedophilia cloud the happy memories we have of the man. We can never take those hilarious mannerisms away from him.
So, it’s great to be able to just switch off, safe in the knowledge that they’re not going to want you to go and make a big plate of pancakes with syrup, or sing The Star Spangled Banner at the top of your voice.
#JezWeCan dirtied the arse of his trousers by sitting down on the floor of a train the other week and now EVERYONE is making out like he's a...
If you don’t live in London and don’t give a fucking shit about London, you’ll probably want to skim this because it’s a bit about London, and how great it is to live in London.
You know that feeling when you’ve been drinking cans of lager for seven and a half hours and you have to host a pub quiz for the first time at a music festival?
Owen Smith looks like a toy cyborg. AND he wears glasses. Has a four-eyed Welsh politician EVER been Prime Minister of ENGLAND? I don't think so. Who is he kidding?
Angela Eagle is the OPPOSITE of Michael Gove and Jeremy Corbyn combined. She's got charisma, sex appeal and a bucket load of charisma.
More anecdotes from a week in the life of Tonka.
"Whether we stay in Europe or free ourselves from its grasping, bureaucratic red-tape for good, who on earth can lead us to a brighter Albion?"