This Week...Allardyce

Commentary

"In my mind, I can joke about anything." – Limmy

"My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters." – Boris Johnson

"CLUBS" – Goldie

ALLARDYCE IS SACKED

I'm just going to start this piece with a disclaimer; I know nothing about football. I don't follow it, not even the World Cup or the Euros aside from of course rooting for our band of English hooligans against the Russians. Give them one from me next time, Dave. I'm not a footbal kinda guy, I think a Raul sounds like a chocolate bar you find in mainland Europe and a Torres is a type of sports car. I know enough about football to know that those two references are horrendously outdated, but still you get the picture.

So with that in mind I will now weigh in on this whole Sam Allardyce scandal armed only with my vague knowledge on btoh the subject at hand and football in general with ZERO research done to make this piece more factually accurate.

From what I can gather Sam broke the rules of football. Not like, 'broke the rules' as you do when you commit an offside or pretend to snort cocaine from the pitch but breaking the rules behind the scenes of football. I don't think it was anything to do with steroids but more to do with money? How not to pay someone money? Or someone was being too much money? I think it was the football equivalent of sitting on a bench reading a newspaper with eyeholes cut out of it and then handing a briefcase to another person of similar dress, except the deal was washed down with a pint of wine and a trip to a Rochdale strip club.

Allardyce was the people's champion, Bolton's Dwayne Johnson but I fear that now he has truly reached rock bottom. He was born from the ashes of the golden age of English football, where champions would have a fag at half time and head to Stringfellows after training. At least there's stilla book deal in there for him.