This Week... National Assurance

Commentary

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." – Jerry Seinfeld

"The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death pop star wannabes." – Simon Cowell

"Most people went to dance shows, but it was basically a table and a DJ playing and not really a spectacular thing. I brought the whole production with the effects – the best sound, the best lighting to blow the fans away." – Tiesto

NATIONAL ASSURANCE

Brexit was the will of the people, an offering from higher forces who gazed down upon the malleable mishmash of Theresa May's face and chose her to delivery our message to those bloody socialists on the mainland. She doesn't need to be 'elected' or given a 'mandate' or 'authorisation' or 'any form of permission whatsoever' because Jesus is on her side, and do you want to argue with the big man? I for one welcome our new bearded ethereal overlords influencing our political system and plus, Jesus's dad will beat up your dad.

But there's a line. I agree to having religious figures replace logic and common sense in the Brexit negotiations. Spending more on foreign butters and sliced meats? Fine, Billy Bear Ham is the best anyway. I'm ok with making my future offspring settle for a job in Bognor Regis over Barcelona, and I have no qualms against letting our clean EU funded canal systems turn into squalid waterways of floating roadkill inhabited by one-eyed bruisers who empty their bedpans out the window. But a rise in my National Insurance Tax? That's the line.

We're told by the Tories to work our ways out of poverty but when we do we're ushered back in by spindle fingered Vicar's daughters and former emos still angry about the split of My Chemical Romance. Anyway, what do we need the extra money for? We gained complete National Insurance when we left the EU.