THIS WEEK... HOW TO AVOID JAIL? BE WHITE AND PRIVILEGED

If you're rich and white and pretty and attend an elite academic institution, you too can commit a knife crime and be hailed as a genius!

THIS WEEK... HOW TO AVOID JAIL? BE WHITE AND PRIVILEGED

If you're rich and white and pretty and attend an elite academic institution, you too can commit a knife crime and be hailed as a genius!

"So long as you use a knife, there's some love left" - Norman Mailer

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others" - George Orwell

“We cannot expect people to have respect for law and order until we teach respect to those we have entrusted to enforce those laws”  - Hunter S. Thompson

Let's talk about that poor girl who had to go through the horrendous and degrading experience of facing a jail sentence for a crime she committed. Oxford student and aspiring surgeon Lavinia Woodward stabbed her lover in the leg with a breadknife during an argument, but apparently a spell at Her Majesty's Pleasure is off the cards because it would damage her career prospects. Judge Ian Pringle QC even admitted in court that "normally [this crime] would attract a custodial sentence"... OK then, so what's the difference here? A young girl who's privileged enough to be able to have hopes and dreams and ambitions. If you're rich and white and pretty, you too can commit a knife crime and be hailed as a genius!

But what of those who find themselves in the dock and aren't studying at an elite academic institution? How are they supposed to feel when essentially told that this girl's life is more important than theirs. If the defendant been a black teenager would Pringle have described the incident as "a complete one-off"? Would he have bent over backwards to praise their character and intellect? We're told Woodward is extraordinarily talented and has already published articles in medical journals, as if this somehow mitigates her stabbing someone in the fucking leg. It's fine though, because she's just popped off on holiday to Barbados to get over this whole nasty little incident. To paraphrase Orwell, we are all equal in the eyes of the law, though some of us end up being let off by a judge who, quite frankly, should be ashamed of himself.

ELECTION FEVER

The election trundles on, providing the requiste amount of rants and also bantz. Like 'Jeremy Corbyn of Islington' hijacking Teresa May's Facebook Live interview. Well played sir. Corbyn also spoke with JME over brunch about the challenge of getting young people to vote, and is now, according to Wikipedia, the newest member of Boy Better Know. The Daily Mail took issue with this meeting, launching into a terrifying character assassination of JME based entirely on recontextualising a handful of years-old retweets. Tory MP Andrew Bridgen then managed to lower the tone even further, suggesting Corbyn's character can be judged by the "strange company" he keeps, then going on to name JME alongside Hamas and the IRA. Fuck the Tories, and fuck the Mail and all its scumbag shitheel journalists.

There were some other fucking stupid Tories in the news this week. Like Tory MP James Heappey who told a schoolgirl to "fuck off back to Scotland" after she expressed her support for Scottish independence. Or Tory councillor Nick Harrington who tweeted "Thanks Ireland. You can keep your f'king gypsies! Hard border coming folks!" after Ireland's Eurovision judging panel failed to award the UK entry any points. Or Tory candidate Kristy Adams who claims to have healed a deaf man through the power of prayer, just by placing her hands on his ears at a wellness event. These are the people who are going to be in charge for another five years.

WHAT ELSE HAPPENED?

Alright matey? Tim 'nuff respect' Farron continues his crusade to become the most smug, cringe-inducing human being in the country. Two words: Blair Lite.

Omar is a 3ft 11in Maine Coon which makes him the world's longest domestic cat. He is also hella cute.

Not sure how this one will go down with working class single mums aged 30-45.

Damn straight.

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