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This Week… Big Bag Of Cans For The Lads!

 
Commentary

"If Jeremy Corbyn becomes leader it won’t be a defeat like 1983 or 2015 at the next election. It will be a rout" – Tony Blair (13th August 2015)

"Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable and will leave Labour carping from the sidelines" – Nicola Sturgeon (20th April 2017)

"If I lose just six seats I will lose this election and Jeremy Corbyn will be sitting down to negotiate with Europe" – Theresa May (20th May 2017)

Well he fucking showed you lot didn't he!! G'wan our Jezza!!

Look, as politicians are so fond of saying, it's still early doors yet. As I write this, a beleaguered Theresa May has just stood outside Downing Street with all the composure of a worn-out crash test dummy, and set out her desperate plan to cling onto power by working with Northern Ireland's DUP. No mention of her party's failure to secure the big fuck-off mandate they had so arrogantly assumed would flow their way, and definitely no mention of their genuine, actual loss of 12 seats. However, there's still a sense in the air that we don't quite know what's going to happen. In the words of our own Ian McQuaid, the UK is still "just some mental Wetherspoons drunk stumbling round, tryna punch the furniture and pissing on itself."

But fuck that early doors shit – yes of course today is about the Tories somehow contriving to fuck up one of the most spectacular approval rating leads in British political history, and all in the space of a single snap election campaign. But it's mainly about Jeremy Corbyn, and the Labour Party, and the young voters of this nation, and a resounding victory for Socialism/the Left whose reverberations will be rattling around Westminster for some time to come. We had almost forgotten what it felt like to hope. Any flicker of excitement at the results of last night's exit poll was, for many, quickly snuffed away in a blanket of hard-earned cynicism. Then we watched as Labour not only avoided annihilation, not only held on, but tore into the Tory majority, winning such traditionally blue seats as Ipswich, Canterbury and possibly even Kensington.

There is a lot that needs to be sorted out – not least the frightening concept of a Tory minority goverment propped up by a party who have a despicable record on abortion, gay rights, climate change and the death penalty. But this weekend  is a time for delirious celebration, before most likely the real work of opposition kicks in again. But it will be different this time. We have momentum. We have hope. We have each other.

LORD BUCKETHEAD

One of our favourite characters from last night's theatrics, Lord Buckethead won the nation's hearts and souls with his "Poundland Darth Vader" getup. Standing in Maidenhead on a platform of "strong, but not entirely stable leadership", the intergalactic space lord managed to take a grand total of 249 votes from Theresa May. He's even got his own campaign song:

Lord Buckethead, I know you're doubtless a very busy man, but if you're reading this – we'd love to interview you about your favourite intergalactic music for the site. Give us a shout and we'll make it happen!

We'll leave you with Lord Buckethead's glorious manifesto in full:

ELECTION LOLS

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